Have You Ever...

Have you ever written a poem about a girl, and the girl was like, nobody's ever written a poem about me before, and then they show it to everyone, and then everyone thinks you like her, and she probably thinks you like her, and you think you like her, but then you're like "whoa" she's kinda strange (even thought you're weird too, but not as weird as her, and your weird in a different way)? And then you meet her parents and her mom thinks you're hot.... AND she tells you that her mom thinks your hot? And you're like, "so did she tell me that her mom thinks I'm hot because her mom really WANTS me, or did she tell me that to see if I'd ask her that, or see if I'd be like "tell her she's hot too"? How does a guy respond to a girl whose mom thinks that? Then she brings her bald dad to name that tune at BW3's and he talks about the only reason he played sports was to "get laid" and you think...."what a weird-o." Why not play something like bingo and get laid by old laid-ees with golf visors on and pull the reverse Anna Nicole Smith, because all you can think of is how old bald guys saying the word "laid" feels creepy. It's not like I'm not going to punch him in the arm and say "way to go! is that how you ended up with kids, playing sports?" And when you go to her parents house the dad has killed and hung the heads of a zillion animals, and you feel like there may be a spot left on that wall for you, even though I'm not from. Then you meet the married step brother, who's wife is MIA, probably at her parents, because the step brother is the most psycho of all the family members, asking girls to punch him and bite him at a small gathering where drinks were served. Perhaps serving him a tranquilizing dart would have been a better plan. Then he bit the dog because the dog bit him. And you end up liking her friend more than her, then after you like her friend, you like her friend's roommate, but that would just be wrong to ask the friend's roommate out when she's the last girl standing after the others pass out from binge drinking. So home you go....mmm WHITE CASTLE is on the way. MUST STOP.

I'm frightened to just "write" poems about girls now. Maybe I should interview them first.....