Shi*hole Sweater
Today I'm wearing my "shithole" sweater, so dubbed by some completely out of line curly blonde-headed chic at the sports bar. I was just minding my own business (and other peoples) when this 20-something gal comes in looking 40-something, already drunk, with an old geezer. She does a shot of Jaeggermeister and he lets her stumble around doing the tipsy talk and touch. She started heading my way and I started to feel studly, like I must look good so she wants me. Well, she comes up to me and says, "Your sweater's a Shithole! My brother had the same exact one and gave it to the Goodwill because my mom bought it for him, and he HATES anything mom gives him....so..he gave it away." Throwing her arm in the air in a gesture of tossing rubbish. Her last word trailed off into the high pitch whisper tone characteristic of drunks who are about to get emotional.
The whole scene started to remind me of Episode 14 of the Torkelson's when money troubles coincided with Prom. To compensate, and not deprive the poor child from experiencing her most cherished event, the mother bought the eldest girl (with the squeaky voice) a prom dress from the Salvation Army and sewed a giant fake flower over the hideous ink spot. When Torkleson arrived at prom, the bitchy rich girl, who'd weeks before donated the dress to charity, ripped the flower off revealing the ink spot below, exposing the wobble-voiced Torkleson for the Salvation Army shopper that she was. I think she screamed, cried, and ran out of the prom, but that is neither here nor there. It was hilarious!
I didn't scream and run out of the sports bar like a debunked debutante, I was like "Hell yeah my sister bought this for $1 buck at the Goodwill, what a steal!"
This required me to stop and admire my discount shopping sister and how it runs in my family. My aunts prom dress was a such a bargain, she found it on Blue Light Special for $10 at KMart! And Grandma with her strategically placed pins and scarves, never wears anything less than designer, but never pays more than $20 for clothes. Of course, when she wore a broach in the middle of her back we were forced to stop taking her to the Gabriel Brother's Hole-Sale.
Back at the bar, as I was minding someone else's business, and hitting on some other man's woman, the drunk girl was turned towards the wall, head bobbing up and down, with her arms out in front of her like a mummy trying to walk up a hill. She started falling back against some random guy that was sitting on a bar stool, it looked like one of those battery operated walking puppies that yaps and barks and when it bumps into something it reverses then tries again. She must have done it 4 times before the old guy came and took her away.
The morale of the story is: Never let a good deal be tarnished by a bad drunk!
The whole scene started to remind me of Episode 14 of the Torkelson's when money troubles coincided with Prom. To compensate, and not deprive the poor child from experiencing her most cherished event, the mother bought the eldest girl (with the squeaky voice) a prom dress from the Salvation Army and sewed a giant fake flower over the hideous ink spot. When Torkleson arrived at prom, the bitchy rich girl, who'd weeks before donated the dress to charity, ripped the flower off revealing the ink spot below, exposing the wobble-voiced Torkleson for the Salvation Army shopper that she was. I think she screamed, cried, and ran out of the prom, but that is neither here nor there. It was hilarious!
I didn't scream and run out of the sports bar like a debunked debutante, I was like "Hell yeah my sister bought this for $1 buck at the Goodwill, what a steal!"
This required me to stop and admire my discount shopping sister and how it runs in my family. My aunts prom dress was a such a bargain, she found it on Blue Light Special for $10 at KMart! And Grandma with her strategically placed pins and scarves, never wears anything less than designer, but never pays more than $20 for clothes. Of course, when she wore a broach in the middle of her back we were forced to stop taking her to the Gabriel Brother's Hole-Sale.
Back at the bar, as I was minding someone else's business, and hitting on some other man's woman, the drunk girl was turned towards the wall, head bobbing up and down, with her arms out in front of her like a mummy trying to walk up a hill. She started falling back against some random guy that was sitting on a bar stool, it looked like one of those battery operated walking puppies that yaps and barks and when it bumps into something it reverses then tries again. She must have done it 4 times before the old guy came and took her away.
The morale of the story is: Never let a good deal be tarnished by a bad drunk!
posted by SirTalksALot at 2/03/2005 04:22:00 PM
3 Comments:
Julie - If your Johns' money isn't wasted, think of all the deals you could sucker them into! We're talkin' VALUE here! Just don't pull a Torkelson!
Kristine - I agree, when I've used 'shithole' it always described a place, but maybe she meant it like 'asshole' aka sphincter. In which case, I was wearing a Sphincter Sweater. In retrospect, it was rather constricting....maybe drunk girl was a genius and it took me this long to get it.
UPDATES/CORRECTIONS: I actually found a website for The Torkelsons and I think I was referring to Episode 2 - The Cotillion, but the description is so vague I can't tell. My apologies for spelling errors/inconsistencies. And who WOULDN'T get a Prom and a Cotillion confused? Come on people, throw me a freakin' bone!
Boozie - Gratze! I'll be over to your site shortly to get drunk!
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