Chronicles of Bodily Functions - Chapter 1 - "Give me a 'P'"
Weeeeeee!'s mom's pee story and e$'s Chinatown express has inspired me to write my very own Chronicles of Bodily Functions. As you guessed the first Chapter will be about PEE!
One time in the very Yankee oriented society of New York (Mets? huh). My friend's D and M obtained tickets to a Yankee's game. We decided to meet after work on the uptown platform at West 4th on the B/D line. Well, in August, that platform becomes a triple layered oven on broil, and we were garlic bread being baked to a crisp. Anyhow, M's sister J was meeting us to, and she was late. We were all pissed. But J arrived and we were all unpissed and excited to be going to the Yankee's game. We got there, got our seats, got two beers each and guzzled them. The game? I don't recall who the opposing team was, because by the time they started I was buzzin'. So after the 4th beer, we're all hungry and D and M were all into the game but me and J aren't so much because it wasn't that great of a game, so they volunteer us to go get hot dogs. D orders mustard and ketchup on his, and M orders mustard and relish on hers. So those two are idots thinking me and J can remember that after starting on our 5th beer. J goes to get the dogs while I get us more beer. While my back's turned J squirts tons of ketchup and mustard on all of the weiners screaming "more's ALWAYS better!" I turn around and I'm like "uh, I'm pretty sure M wanted relish and not ketchup" and J's like "oh shit!" so she proceeds to get a bunch of napkins and wipe the over abundance of condiments off the buns. She lays a couple of the hot dogs on another napkin and pours relish on them. I'm laughing so hard I can't see, when I realize she's putting relish on all of the freaking hot dogs! "NO!" Well we manage to finally get the orders right and take them to D and M. But neither of us could keep a straight face so we got busted. Not long after that someone threw a match or something because it landed in J's bag, which started smoking like it's on fire, so J starts screaming and jumping up and down on her purse busting everything inside. That must have been viewed by God as a rain dance, because then it started raining. Well, the game is called off, and we board the express back to Brooklyn where J lives. The beers are totally stretching out my bladder and I KNOW I won't make it from The Bronx to Bay Ridge Brooklyn (literally the other side of town). We get to Atlantic Avenue and I can't hold it anymore. I say, "Oooo, I can't hold it, I'm gonna go out there. I'll meet you back at the house", and jump off the train. They're screaming at me to come back and not to get arrested, as the doors close. I run to the other side of the somewhat crowded platform and just pee off the side onto the tracks with New York City Transit passengers going about their business like it didn't happen. Ah, now THAT's how you spell relief.
One time in the very Yankee oriented society of New York (Mets? huh). My friend's D and M obtained tickets to a Yankee's game. We decided to meet after work on the uptown platform at West 4th on the B/D line. Well, in August, that platform becomes a triple layered oven on broil, and we were garlic bread being baked to a crisp. Anyhow, M's sister J was meeting us to, and she was late. We were all pissed. But J arrived and we were all unpissed and excited to be going to the Yankee's game. We got there, got our seats, got two beers each and guzzled them. The game? I don't recall who the opposing team was, because by the time they started I was buzzin'. So after the 4th beer, we're all hungry and D and M were all into the game but me and J aren't so much because it wasn't that great of a game, so they volunteer us to go get hot dogs. D orders mustard and ketchup on his, and M orders mustard and relish on hers. So those two are idots thinking me and J can remember that after starting on our 5th beer. J goes to get the dogs while I get us more beer. While my back's turned J squirts tons of ketchup and mustard on all of the weiners screaming "more's ALWAYS better!" I turn around and I'm like "uh, I'm pretty sure M wanted relish and not ketchup" and J's like "oh shit!" so she proceeds to get a bunch of napkins and wipe the over abundance of condiments off the buns. She lays a couple of the hot dogs on another napkin and pours relish on them. I'm laughing so hard I can't see, when I realize she's putting relish on all of the freaking hot dogs! "NO!" Well we manage to finally get the orders right and take them to D and M. But neither of us could keep a straight face so we got busted. Not long after that someone threw a match or something because it landed in J's bag, which started smoking like it's on fire, so J starts screaming and jumping up and down on her purse busting everything inside. That must have been viewed by God as a rain dance, because then it started raining. Well, the game is called off, and we board the express back to Brooklyn where J lives. The beers are totally stretching out my bladder and I KNOW I won't make it from The Bronx to Bay Ridge Brooklyn (literally the other side of town). We get to Atlantic Avenue and I can't hold it anymore. I say, "Oooo, I can't hold it, I'm gonna go out there. I'll meet you back at the house", and jump off the train. They're screaming at me to come back and not to get arrested, as the doors close. I run to the other side of the somewhat crowded platform and just pee off the side onto the tracks with New York City Transit passengers going about their business like it didn't happen. Ah, now THAT's how you spell relief.
posted by SirTalksALot at 6/30/2005 01:13:00 PM
5 Comments:
When I lived in NY, I can remember having to go so bad one winter, I just went into a snowbank. Heck, I thought, why not have some fun and write my name while I was at it?
Now, that's creativity!
I TOTALLY thought you were going to pee in the purse.
ya know, since it was smoking like it was on fire. :)
Becky - Yup being able to stand and pee has it's advantages. I hate when restaurants do the wipe off....I make them remake it fresh (of course they probably spit in it then).
Fred - Creative and incriminating! One drunken snowy day, my uncle did the most romantic thing for my aunt...he spelled her name out in pee in the snow. Whatta guy. It was hilarious, you should have seen how pissed she was....(pissed ha ha ha).
Webmiz - What a great idea! Geez I could have saved myself some humiliation by doing that discreetly on the train, having my friends make a shield. There's always next time!
Nic - Yeah the whole place smells like pee, but I can't take all the credit. What's gross is wearing open sandels/flip flops knowing all those dogs pee and poop every where...yuck.
That's hilarious.
Now this is one hell of an experience.
Hilarious!
Boston Limo
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