Chronicles of Bodily Functions - Chapter 3 - "Kiss Me NOT"

Our first date was to a coffee shop, she drank hot chocolate. "I don't like coffee" she said. But she did like to drink booze. Our second date we met some co-workers for drinks at the Shark Bar (since closed). She got trashed, but we won at pool. I thought it best I buy her dinner to soak up some of the drinkage. Our third date, we drank, she puked. Our fourth date, we drank, she puked. Our fifth date, we went dancing at Dick Clark's American Bandstand Grille, as we were kissing on the dance floor, she ran over to the juke box and puked behind it. Was it me? Nah couldn't be. Ironically, Dick Clark's is now closed. The next date, after dinner, we went to Scruffy's Bar, a dive if ever there was one, to meet her best friend. She went behind the building and puked. Her and her friend are no longer friends. One romantic evening, after hanging out with friends and eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching goofy movies, she puked. In the mulch. She covered it up like a cat does in a litter box. MEOW. That night she was upset that I hardly ever kissed her on our dates. HELLO? If you mean kiss you on the lips, or near your mouth, from which you just yakked....you're right, I'm not going to kiss you! GROSS lady! 6 months I dated her, 6 months. Oh, don't get me wrong, we had good times too. Like the time we went to Gatlinburg, TN and while I was in the shower, she came and knocked on the bathroom door. I thought I was about to get lucky again in the shower, but instead she was frantic and told me a tragic story. She'd accidently dropped her car keys down the elevator shaft of the hotel, thus locking her medication in the car. Due to Dolly Parton being in town a parade was blocking the way for the police and hotel maintenance to come rescue us. Finally the police came and jimmied the lock, the hotel staff repelled down the elevator shaft and got the car keys. I got trashed that night, but didn't puke. We went hiking the next day. I wanted to go to the end of the trail. She complained of having weak ankles. HUH? She planned a trip to the mountains and had weak ankles....WHAT? I decided the only way to deal with the trip was with massive amounts of wine at dinner. I almost puked, but didn't. AND I got to eat chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP the morning of departure. YUM!