Lazy From the Get-Go
Recollections of childhood bring me to one, and only one, conclusion. I am super lazy. Well, I know I'm a dork and a geek too, but in conjunction, I'm also a lazy ass....
At the age of 7 my uncle gifted me with a set of children's encyclopedias. Most kids probably would have just thrown them in the corner and used them for researching school projects, not me. I read each one from cover to cover. At night, after I came in from playing with the neighborhood brats, I would hurry up and get ready for bed so I could lay there and read until I fell asleep. I learned the natural resources, populations, and cultural heritages of countries around the world. China fascinated me, one in particular item about their history was awe inspiring - Chinese Water Clocks. I must have been like Ralphie from A Christmas Story and his Red Rider Bee-Bee Gun. I was obsessed with the encyclopedia page about Chinese Water Clocks. The color animation drawing showed a Chinese man with his China Man Hat, in a kimono type robe and a thin very long beard and moustache. Stereo typically his fingers were intertwined in front of him as he bowed ceremoniously to check the time. Neeeeaaaatttt-o......
Science Fair time was rolling around and when the teacher asked us our science project theme mine was naturally Chinese Water Clocks. My enthusiasm in describing them must have excited a few of my friends too, because they couldn't wait to see my project. Looking at the drawing it appeared to be a pretty easy and simple project. All I needed was.......hmmm. What did I need? As I tried to research and find more information on the ancient gadgets in the school library I couldn't find a darn thing. Of course, as with most things in my life, I procrastinated and thought, "oh, I'll just make one the week before the Science Fair."
Well, that week came quick, and I realized the folly of my ways. Building a Chinese Water Clock was going to be impossible! I went to my teacher and told her my problem. She told me I could definitely change the theme of my project, but worried that time was running out. (Is that real time or Chinese Water Clock time?) I assured her I would work hard the next week and come in with an A+ project, which was due as a class presentation 1 day prior to the actual Science Fair. Remember my old disease Procrastination? Well, it resurfaced. I spent the next week riding my bike, hiking the trails behind my house, digging dirt tunnels for my matchbox cars, I even helped my buddy dig for fossils for his science project. But my own poster-board remained blank as did the pages of the associated report.
The night before the presentation I said OH GOLLY! (I would have said OH SHIT, but I was freakin 7 years old people) and started flipping through my encyclopedias for a theme. My room started to resemble Chernobyl with books strewn across the floor and on the bed. A HA! I finally found the theme, something I could whip up in hours. I spent the next five hours collecting what I needed for my exhibit, neatly drew up the poster-board, used the animated drawings in my encyclopedia to match up the exhibits to their corresponding scientific description (yes, from a cartoon drawing I did that).
The morning of the class presentation, I was a zombie from staying up all night. I folded the poster-board and threw it in a trash bag along with my report and the exhibits, running to catch my bus.
To be "fair" the teacher took us in alphabetical order by our last name, mine happens to start with a "W", so I was next to last. The other kids got up and did their presentations some of which included:
-FOSSILS (ooo I helped with that! Look how nice, and how much work was put into it).
-WHAT DO PLANTS LIKE BEST? (this was a variation of light and water types over a 6 week period and the measurement of the plants' growth. VERY NICE, awesome work).
-TIDES OF EARTH (wowzers! they made a fake earth, and have bottle of water with sand in it to represent the tide......SWEEET!)
Eventually it was my sorry turn. I walked my trash bag up to the presentation table and unfolded it backwards. Some of my samples had fallen off the board and stuck to the inside of the trash bag. After fumbling for a couple minutes getting the presentation together. I turned my poster board around to reveal the epiphany that was my Science Project.... "ROCKS"
I cleared my throat and began my speech in a very quiet and embarrassingly inferior voice.
"Rocks are a big deal to scientists. Rocks help scientists know what happened millions of years ago. Rocks vary depending on the Geee-Lol-logeee...I mean geology. I collected and identified some rocks as an example for you. In West Virginia we have the following rocks that I have here: coal, sandstone, limestone, and limestone. Any questions?" All I heard was crickets. Then my neighbor that I helped with his fossil project asked "I thought you were going to do Chinese Water Clocks, what happened to that?" I monotonously answered "uh, I couldn't find much information on that so I switched the subject."
The teacher thanked me for my presentation, gave me my grade on a paper (a "C"), and told me to take my seat. I couldn't believe nobody else asked questions. WHY? I ask you!
The next day wasn't so bad, I faked sickness so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself further at the school fair. But thus began a theme......sucky projects.
Other night-before-they're-due projects include:
6th Grade:DO PLANTS LIKE COFFEE? Inspired by "What Do Plants Like Best?" (see above) The night before the project was due, I dug up my mom's red cabbage plant, put some dirt around it, put some coffee grounds around it, then poured some coffee on the dirt. I drew some lame pictures on how plants drink through their roots and plastered them to a homemade poster-board that wasn't really poster-board but some old white Formica I found in the basement and cut to the specific dimensions. I wrote a 4 page report in 30 minutes using information from the science book, and you guessed it, my childhood encyclopedia! The next day, I had to drill holes in the Formica to add a handle so I could carry the dumb thing to school, it was mega heavy to lug that from 13th St. to 19th St, but with the plant in tow in a TRASH BAG, it wasn't impossible. Naturally, I bent the truth to my teacher and said I'd been working on the project for 6 weeks and that the noticeable difference in the cabbage was that it went from white cabbage to a dark purple cabbage. That's right folks it changes species by drinking coffee! That teacher may have been a dumbass or just felt I'd done such a good job at lying, that I got an "A". In keeping with tradition I faked sickness the next day so I wouldn't have to present to the PTA Judges. Go me! My dad was pissed that I'd wasted half a can of Maxwell House on the project, but glad that I got an "A".
8th Grade:LIZZIE BORDEN, DID SHE DO IT? This was more of a history project, but equally unresearched, unplanned, and executed in the last wanning hours prior to the deadline. I found a library book that my mom had failed to return to the public library about Lizzie Borden. I cut out the old gruesome photos showing the cut up bodies and the blood, stuck them on the poster board and whipped up a report. Again, using a very stylish trash bag, I transported the project on the school bus. Setting it up and giving my horror history report on the murders of Lizzie Borden's parents. The oral report even included a neat little ditty "Lizzie Borden took an ax, gave her mother 40 whacks, when she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41" I'm not sure if the song lyrics are in the correct order, but I can tell you the class and my teacher didn't have any questions for me. In fact, it probably wasn't the best project for the "new kid" to do. It's no wonder I had problems making friends that year. Can we say psycho killer? That project earned me a "B". Heck with my new reputation as a psycho I should have protested and threatened with wild eyes requesting an "A".
And THESE memories are the proof of my research that I'm a lazy ass!
At the age of 7 my uncle gifted me with a set of children's encyclopedias. Most kids probably would have just thrown them in the corner and used them for researching school projects, not me. I read each one from cover to cover. At night, after I came in from playing with the neighborhood brats, I would hurry up and get ready for bed so I could lay there and read until I fell asleep. I learned the natural resources, populations, and cultural heritages of countries around the world. China fascinated me, one in particular item about their history was awe inspiring - Chinese Water Clocks. I must have been like Ralphie from A Christmas Story and his Red Rider Bee-Bee Gun. I was obsessed with the encyclopedia page about Chinese Water Clocks. The color animation drawing showed a Chinese man with his China Man Hat, in a kimono type robe and a thin very long beard and moustache. Stereo typically his fingers were intertwined in front of him as he bowed ceremoniously to check the time. Neeeeaaaatttt-o......
Science Fair time was rolling around and when the teacher asked us our science project theme mine was naturally Chinese Water Clocks. My enthusiasm in describing them must have excited a few of my friends too, because they couldn't wait to see my project. Looking at the drawing it appeared to be a pretty easy and simple project. All I needed was.......hmmm. What did I need? As I tried to research and find more information on the ancient gadgets in the school library I couldn't find a darn thing. Of course, as with most things in my life, I procrastinated and thought, "oh, I'll just make one the week before the Science Fair."
Well, that week came quick, and I realized the folly of my ways. Building a Chinese Water Clock was going to be impossible! I went to my teacher and told her my problem. She told me I could definitely change the theme of my project, but worried that time was running out. (Is that real time or Chinese Water Clock time?) I assured her I would work hard the next week and come in with an A+ project, which was due as a class presentation 1 day prior to the actual Science Fair. Remember my old disease Procrastination? Well, it resurfaced. I spent the next week riding my bike, hiking the trails behind my house, digging dirt tunnels for my matchbox cars, I even helped my buddy dig for fossils for his science project. But my own poster-board remained blank as did the pages of the associated report.
The night before the presentation I said OH GOLLY! (I would have said OH SHIT, but I was freakin 7 years old people) and started flipping through my encyclopedias for a theme. My room started to resemble Chernobyl with books strewn across the floor and on the bed. A HA! I finally found the theme, something I could whip up in hours. I spent the next five hours collecting what I needed for my exhibit, neatly drew up the poster-board, used the animated drawings in my encyclopedia to match up the exhibits to their corresponding scientific description (yes, from a cartoon drawing I did that).
The morning of the class presentation, I was a zombie from staying up all night. I folded the poster-board and threw it in a trash bag along with my report and the exhibits, running to catch my bus.
To be "fair" the teacher took us in alphabetical order by our last name, mine happens to start with a "W", so I was next to last. The other kids got up and did their presentations some of which included:
-FOSSILS (ooo I helped with that! Look how nice, and how much work was put into it).
-WHAT DO PLANTS LIKE BEST? (this was a variation of light and water types over a 6 week period and the measurement of the plants' growth. VERY NICE, awesome work).
-TIDES OF EARTH (wowzers! they made a fake earth, and have bottle of water with sand in it to represent the tide......SWEEET!)
Eventually it was my sorry turn. I walked my trash bag up to the presentation table and unfolded it backwards. Some of my samples had fallen off the board and stuck to the inside of the trash bag. After fumbling for a couple minutes getting the presentation together. I turned my poster board around to reveal the epiphany that was my Science Project.... "ROCKS"
I cleared my throat and began my speech in a very quiet and embarrassingly inferior voice.
"Rocks are a big deal to scientists. Rocks help scientists know what happened millions of years ago. Rocks vary depending on the Geee-Lol-logeee...I mean geology. I collected and identified some rocks as an example for you. In West Virginia we have the following rocks that I have here: coal, sandstone, limestone, and limestone. Any questions?" All I heard was crickets. Then my neighbor that I helped with his fossil project asked "I thought you were going to do Chinese Water Clocks, what happened to that?" I monotonously answered "uh, I couldn't find much information on that so I switched the subject."
The teacher thanked me for my presentation, gave me my grade on a paper (a "C"), and told me to take my seat. I couldn't believe nobody else asked questions. WHY? I ask you!
The next day wasn't so bad, I faked sickness so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself further at the school fair. But thus began a theme......sucky projects.
Other night-before-they're-due projects include:
6th Grade:DO PLANTS LIKE COFFEE? Inspired by "What Do Plants Like Best?" (see above) The night before the project was due, I dug up my mom's red cabbage plant, put some dirt around it, put some coffee grounds around it, then poured some coffee on the dirt. I drew some lame pictures on how plants drink through their roots and plastered them to a homemade poster-board that wasn't really poster-board but some old white Formica I found in the basement and cut to the specific dimensions. I wrote a 4 page report in 30 minutes using information from the science book, and you guessed it, my childhood encyclopedia! The next day, I had to drill holes in the Formica to add a handle so I could carry the dumb thing to school, it was mega heavy to lug that from 13th St. to 19th St, but with the plant in tow in a TRASH BAG, it wasn't impossible. Naturally, I bent the truth to my teacher and said I'd been working on the project for 6 weeks and that the noticeable difference in the cabbage was that it went from white cabbage to a dark purple cabbage. That's right folks it changes species by drinking coffee! That teacher may have been a dumbass or just felt I'd done such a good job at lying, that I got an "A". In keeping with tradition I faked sickness the next day so I wouldn't have to present to the PTA Judges. Go me! My dad was pissed that I'd wasted half a can of Maxwell House on the project, but glad that I got an "A".
8th Grade:LIZZIE BORDEN, DID SHE DO IT? This was more of a history project, but equally unresearched, unplanned, and executed in the last wanning hours prior to the deadline. I found a library book that my mom had failed to return to the public library about Lizzie Borden. I cut out the old gruesome photos showing the cut up bodies and the blood, stuck them on the poster board and whipped up a report. Again, using a very stylish trash bag, I transported the project on the school bus. Setting it up and giving my horror history report on the murders of Lizzie Borden's parents. The oral report even included a neat little ditty "Lizzie Borden took an ax, gave her mother 40 whacks, when she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41" I'm not sure if the song lyrics are in the correct order, but I can tell you the class and my teacher didn't have any questions for me. In fact, it probably wasn't the best project for the "new kid" to do. It's no wonder I had problems making friends that year. Can we say psycho killer? That project earned me a "B". Heck with my new reputation as a psycho I should have protested and threatened with wild eyes requesting an "A".
And THESE memories are the proof of my research that I'm a lazy ass!
posted by SirTalksALot at 9/12/2005 11:22:00 AM
24 Comments:
I've had those last minute projects...I even got an F on one of 5 graded projects in high school due to procrastination.
Ditto. My sister would turn in a castle made of popsicle sticks complete with a moat and lego horses. I taste-tested the various flavors of kool-aid in our pantry. We were just saving our genius for...um...well...
I did one with plants, similar to your coffee one, but I tested which was a better fertilizer - aspirin, acetomehophen (tylenol) or ibuprofen (advil). I'd grind it up and feed it to my plants. They all died before the project (apparently, plants don't get headaches), so when I brought it in to class, my teacher just laughed and shook her head at my poor plants. Thank goodness, I had polaroids.
OK...I was having a "bleh" Monday...was having...till I got my loser butt over here...I was losing it reading your history of Science Projects gone bad. VERY funny!!!
thanks I needed that.
Way too funny, especially the 40 whacks. Long live procrastination and cheap projects!
Hmmm. I might pass some of these along to the science teachers. It might be fun to torture another generation.
Lol...that was hysterical! And you stayed home the next day to avoid humiliation! Oh...how it brings back memories.
my grandmother read the encyclopedia. it was one of the things they listed in her obituary! see what you have to look forward to now! ew. that was kind of sick and a downer wasnt it. i'm sick. sorry. i cant sleep. i wouldnt say that was laziness...i would say it was just being smarter than the rest! no more effort than necessary wasted there! i'm a procrastinator. i've accepted that. it sounds that you may have as well!
No time to be lazy....Foxy has just entered the building!
Hysterical.
The worst one I ever did was the "Will Soda Really Rot Your Teeth". I put off doing the anything till the night before. My younger sister had just lost a tooth and we had a bunch of Pepsi in the house, hence the project was born. I got a B.
brian - glad to know I wasn't alone in my childhood putting things off!
allison - what did you discover from that taste test? Yes, we're probably still saving our genius for.....PIZZA!?
the muse - that sounds like an "A" for effort project. You probably could have sold the dried plant leaves to some college students as a way to get stoned and cure their headaches.
jerry - gosh thanks for stopping by, happy that my miserable experiments made ya laugh. My work here is done. :)
drink more jack - I think that song came from the movie, not sure really. But yeah, never do today what you can put off til tomorrow!
fred - if anyone does Chinese Water Clocks they definitely deserve an A +, and I'll personally appear to present the award of student of the year to them!
linny - so I'm not the only one that was a "sick" kid on certain specific days of projects being due, eh?
video x - sorry about your Gma, she sounds like someone I would have gotten along with famously. Now you be sure to get better ya hear! And, yep, I've accepted my procrastination as a way of life, I work best under pressure.
foxybrown - where'sya? *searching searching* I better check your link!
al - now that's innovation! No wonder you got a good grade......so..the conclusion would be soda only rots your teeth not your grades!
They filmed A Christmas Story in St. Catharines you know.....yet another thing my city is famous for....LOL
princess - I knew not that information. I love movie facts! I'mma gonna look up your town on mapquest, cuz I gotta find out where it is!
"Do plants like coffee?" AAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That's a good project. I think the next one should be, Do worms like beer? or "How many cookies did cookie monster actually eat? Those are good ones to. Let me know.
timmortal - Good train of thought here..(chugga chugga chugga) drinking and eating projects.
"Do Worms Like Beer?" <-- Considering there's a worm in the bottom of my Tequila bottle, I'd say they've moved on to something heavier. But I do know that cats like beer and calamari because one of my friend's yakked that concoction up on the stoop, and in the morning a cat was eatin' and lickin' it up.
"How Many Cookies Did Cookie Monster Eat?" <-- Good question! Could you imagine bringing in his friends Big Bird and Snuffalupicus to answer this one in elementary school? It would be a sure way to an "A"!
I was a regular hookey player myself, and projects were frequently my ailment.
That was funny. Lazy-asses unite!
rachael - I love it! Lazy-asses unite! The most I missed was 40.5 days in 8th grade. Eventually my parents just let me do homeschool cuz this guy liked sleepin' in! What's wrong with me now, I get up at 6:30 AM.
Ha! I did "Does music affect plants?" the night before our 9th grade science fair. I said I played Guns N'Roses to one plant and Beethoven to another. I brought in an almost dead plant my mother had and a new one she had just gotten. Obv., the GNR plant was dead.
I got a D, but at least I did my project.
Posterboard rocks!
oooh, I didn't like science projects at all. I only remember one that I did and that was on osmosis. I had some kind of paper towel contraption thing with a glass of water...ugh. so gay. :)
Sir - Thanks for taking the tmie to answer my questions. Hmm...I actually work with Big Bird so I'm going to ask him.
SirTalksAlot...It's roughly 10 minutes from niagara falls....canadian side.....
St. Catharines is also famous for
1. Serial Killers
2. Donut capital of the world
3. Guiness World record holder for biggest toga party ever....
4. Filmed a Christmas Story there AND that stupid movie "Skulls" the one with that dope from "Dawsons Creek"....
kat - ROTFL...did you wear the T-shirt with the band on it too?
webmiz - *snicker* Would a tampoon been equally sufficient for that experiment?
timmortal - what else am I going to do....work? I don't DO that anymore, even though I get paid to pretend.
princess - cool thanks for the information! equally as cool, I interview for a job that may relocate me to Buffalo on Tuesday. Everybody pray that I get it!!!! Then I can go over Niagra Falls in a barrel! WOoooHOoo!
The best way to get out of a science project that you haven't even thought about: transfer to a Christian school with less than 20 kids, 3rd grade through 12th.
Ahh, 6th grade, the worse year of my life...
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