TOP 10 Reasons I'll smell like Hell's smoke when I arrive at Heaven's Gate - #10
TOP 10 Reasons I'll smell like Hell's smoke when I arrive at Heaven's Gate.
(A series by Sirtalksalot, see them all!)
Reason # 10 - Lies, sweet little 5 year old, Lies!
When I was 5 years old, Gma made me a bologna sandwich, smeared mayo and mustard all over it, and cut it diagonally in half. I was grossed out by the squishy nature of the processed hog lips'n' sphincters, mixed with the sweetish-creamy white eggy-oil whip slathered with tangy yellow goop. When she turned around to "worsh" the dishes, I took matters into my own hands. Or should I say, I took a handful of my own hair and ripped it out by the roots strategically placing it smack dab in the middle of the sandwich with a few strands sticking out for gag effects. Surely she would be sickened by the follicly infected sammy. When I said "Ooo Grandma, there's a hair on this sandwich!" She turned around, looked at it, and threw it in the trash saying "well, eat the other half then." Oh dear God, please no! I hadn't thought to plant any strands on the other side. Stupid Supid ME! I'll show her, I thought. Due to the secretive nature of this mission and not wanting to chance being caught, I told her I wanted to go get my Tonka Truck from the living room. Well, while I was on the way, I naturally plucked a few more hairs and held them tightly in my hand. The truck in one hand, hair in the other, I ran back to the kitchen. Again, she turned around to dry a dish, again, I quickly lifted the bread and arranged the hair therein. In a whiny voice, "Grandmaaaaaa this half has hair on it tooOOOoo!" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Ya know what I think, I think you put your own hair on that sandwich." I shook my head in deceitful disagreement. But obviously it was true. Grandma and I were the only ones in the house, and she had a course curly gray hair. At that age, my hair was a fine blonde.
And that is Reason number 10, Hell tries to claim me. I lied, and plotted against Grammy and her mayo bologna sammie.
(A series by Sirtalksalot, see them all!)
Reason # 10 - Lies, sweet little 5 year old, Lies!
When I was 5 years old, Gma made me a bologna sandwich, smeared mayo and mustard all over it, and cut it diagonally in half. I was grossed out by the squishy nature of the processed hog lips'n' sphincters, mixed with the sweetish-creamy white eggy-oil whip slathered with tangy yellow goop. When she turned around to "worsh" the dishes, I took matters into my own hands. Or should I say, I took a handful of my own hair and ripped it out by the roots strategically placing it smack dab in the middle of the sandwich with a few strands sticking out for gag effects. Surely she would be sickened by the follicly infected sammy. When I said "Ooo Grandma, there's a hair on this sandwich!" She turned around, looked at it, and threw it in the trash saying "well, eat the other half then." Oh dear God, please no! I hadn't thought to plant any strands on the other side. Stupid Supid ME! I'll show her, I thought. Due to the secretive nature of this mission and not wanting to chance being caught, I told her I wanted to go get my Tonka Truck from the living room. Well, while I was on the way, I naturally plucked a few more hairs and held them tightly in my hand. The truck in one hand, hair in the other, I ran back to the kitchen. Again, she turned around to dry a dish, again, I quickly lifted the bread and arranged the hair therein. In a whiny voice, "Grandmaaaaaa this half has hair on it tooOOOoo!" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Ya know what I think, I think you put your own hair on that sandwich." I shook my head in deceitful disagreement. But obviously it was true. Grandma and I were the only ones in the house, and she had a course curly gray hair. At that age, my hair was a fine blonde.
And that is Reason number 10, Hell tries to claim me. I lied, and plotted against Grammy and her mayo bologna sammie.
posted by SirTalksALot at 9/07/2005 02:24:00 PM
14 Comments:
mustard and mayo, ick goo yuck. I just cant get past the gooeyness.
Grandmas just know. That have the Granny Sense.
I grew up on bologna, mayo, and peanut butter sandwiches. A favorite of my dad's. God help me.
Wasn't there an animal in the house that could have eaten the sandwich? They don't mind hair, even the gray curly type.
I thought all grannies had animals.
hey all the cool kids are going to hell! awesome. that is disgusting. i'm feeling somewhat week right now. haha! i forgot about your weird food thing with the feet. reminds me of something about old people & food...i'll probably never write it. can you write it for me? youre funny. and i'm sure you have nothing better to do in life. i'm only kidding.
boozie - a ghost peed your sisters bed ha h ah ha....I wonder if it was the same ghost that did it with Anna Nicole.
rich - and you're an adult, think how poor whittle 5 year old me felt!
drink more jack - ooooo, was your dad hosting Fear Factor, cuz that's worse than a bile milkshake.
rockerscience - LOL, rocker meet gutter, gutter meet rocker....oh that's right you've already met!
fred - hmm, no pets that liked bologna either. Though there were bull frogs in the basement that came through the coal shoot.
video x - you're right, if I don't write, I only get into trouble, so I might as well become a ghost writer (not a ghost pee-er like Boozie's sis's friend). Gimme details and I'll whip something up for ya. ;)
EWW...thats sick. When I was 3/4 I used to have this "nanny" that used to watch me after school at her house until my mom was done work and came to pick me up.
She used to walk around in her bra all the time, and watch her stories...4 hours of them, and I couldnt watch tv until she was done. She ALSO used to make me MAc & cheese and KETCHUP...UGH..AND she used to make us eat that Macaroni and Cheese loaf, you know the lunchmeat with the mac and cheese baked into it.
She wasnt a good nanny....i also broke my nose 2 times in the same year under her care...LOL
princess - your nanny was a nut - eating ketchup on mac'n'cheese....gross. that's worse than a disease.
rockerscience - now gutter is a good friend, don't be spoiling her badness with your Holy self (snicker...pointing and laughing!)
if your going to hell for that, i'm certainly going to hell. my grammy once made a perfectly good sammy (grape jelly)but she cut it on the diagnals, not across and into 1/4ths like i liked it. i pitched a fit and refused to eat it even after grandpa spanked me.
Thank goodness my gma raised me on chocolate sammiches. Oh, yes, the chocolate was introduced at a really early age. And mom was never allowed to know.
I still make them once in a while, when gma sends me the special dutch chocolate from holland.
shy - what no peanut butter with the jelly? I wouldn't have eaten it either!
the muse - I better test that recipe out, you know, just cuz it sounds YUM!
you naughty boy, you!! tainting a sandwich made with love from dear grammy! but mayo and mustard on bologna?? blech! what was that crazy old lady thinking?? ;)
Everyone's had to eat ick cuz of someone else- I had to do it on my own! 11 yrs old, at the neighbor's house, lunchtime: everything is laid out for us; we make what we want! So I decide to slather EVERYTHING on my sandwich- pbj, mayo, and mustard! And J is like, you have to eat that!
It might have been fine had I known the difference between mayo and, gulp, MIRACLE WHIP! Yuck! To this day I cannot suffer the "tangy zip"!!
It was my own fault, and yes, I ate it.
webmiz - see, she was obviously the nut, putting both of those on bologna!
dawn marie - ooo gross! were you trying to entertain the other kids or what? ooooo again! LOL
Yes, yes I was trying to entertain the others; and there was a lot of them! Four kids and 2 to 4 foster kids at a time... I just sorta blended in as an extra kid and mouth!
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