Puss In Boots
"Life's a bitch, now so am I." That was the funniest line in Batman Returns. You know - the movie in which Michelle Pfieffer wears a cat suit? The more I write about it, the more I'm apt to believe I may go to a dominatrix based on my obsession with hot women in tight leather. Ok, now that's killing me thinking about it. Here's how it would probably play out....
Me: Hi, wow, you look like you work out.
Catwoman: (as she handcuffs my hands) I do the Power of 10 workout.
Catwoman: Lick my boot you weasel.
ME: Ok, but before I do that, did you sanitize these boots after the last person licked them? Cuz I don't want my herpes getting syphilis.
ME (again): Oh you polished them before our meeting?
Catwoman: Now lick my boot you weasel!
Me: What flavor shoe polish did you use, because you can't expect me to actually lick old fashioned shoe polish. That isn't made for human consumption. You want me to die from shoe poisoning or something?
Catwoman: It's flavored!
ME: So what flavor....hmmm, these are black boots, I bet you used licorice. I hate licorice, bitch! You'd know that if you read my blog!
Catwoman: I SAID lick my boot you weasel!
ME: Don't you have any other lines? Cuz you're boring me with that "weasel" crap?
ME: Actually, I don't think weasels are such bad creatures. I mean God did make them, which means, there is a purpose for them and all. I wonder who gave them such a bad rap. Sure they're known to steal food and they look snake-like, with legs and hair. But I think we just need to see them from a new perspective. Back in West Virginia we used to......"
Catwoman: HUH? I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this shit.You bitch! (starts to leave).
ME: Hey aren't you going to uncuff my hands?
Catwoman: Nope, see ya!
ME: I'll show YOU the power of 10!.....
Catwoman: Wha-?! [thud] (I kick her in the butt with one foot, and trip her with the other, obtaining the cuff keys)
ME: ....the power of 10 toes and 2 feet. Now who's the bitch? Ya Puss in Boots?
Really now, that would never happen. Number one, I would much rather make out with a Ho-Ho rather than a real ho and most likely the women I date wouldn't be all domi and shit. Number two, I would probably miss the dominatrix and kick the wall breaking my foot. I'm good and clumsy like that. Number three, though this is my second post about foot related fetish type things, I obviously wouldn't be NEAR a foot regardless of who the owner might be. I'm just slightly neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, and have way too much free time on my hands. Hobby, what should my hobby be. Oh gosh, there I go on a stream of consciousness rambling.
Uh, how about I leave you with this ponderance:
Are members of PETA against eating animal crackers? Things that make ya go Hmmm.
Me: Hi, wow, you look like you work out.
Catwoman: (as she handcuffs my hands) I do the Power of 10 workout.
Catwoman: Lick my boot you weasel.
ME: Ok, but before I do that, did you sanitize these boots after the last person licked them? Cuz I don't want my herpes getting syphilis.
ME (again): Oh you polished them before our meeting?
Catwoman: Now lick my boot you weasel!
Me: What flavor shoe polish did you use, because you can't expect me to actually lick old fashioned shoe polish. That isn't made for human consumption. You want me to die from shoe poisoning or something?
Catwoman: It's flavored!
ME: So what flavor....hmmm, these are black boots, I bet you used licorice. I hate licorice, bitch! You'd know that if you read my blog!
Catwoman: I SAID lick my boot you weasel!
ME: Don't you have any other lines? Cuz you're boring me with that "weasel" crap?
ME: Actually, I don't think weasels are such bad creatures. I mean God did make them, which means, there is a purpose for them and all. I wonder who gave them such a bad rap. Sure they're known to steal food and they look snake-like, with legs and hair. But I think we just need to see them from a new perspective. Back in West Virginia we used to......"
Catwoman: HUH? I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this shit.You bitch! (starts to leave).
ME: Hey aren't you going to uncuff my hands?
Catwoman: Nope, see ya!
ME: I'll show YOU the power of 10!.....
Catwoman: Wha-?! [thud] (I kick her in the butt with one foot, and trip her with the other, obtaining the cuff keys)
ME: ....the power of 10 toes and 2 feet. Now who's the bitch? Ya Puss in Boots?
Really now, that would never happen. Number one, I would much rather make out with a Ho-Ho rather than a real ho and most likely the women I date wouldn't be all domi and shit. Number two, I would probably miss the dominatrix and kick the wall breaking my foot. I'm good and clumsy like that. Number three, though this is my second post about foot related fetish type things, I obviously wouldn't be NEAR a foot regardless of who the owner might be. I'm just slightly neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, and have way too much free time on my hands. Hobby, what should my hobby be. Oh gosh, there I go on a stream of consciousness rambling.
Uh, how about I leave you with this ponderance:
Are members of PETA against eating animal crackers? Things that make ya go Hmmm.
posted by SirTalksALot at 8/23/2005 11:14:00 AM
16 Comments:
you, catwoman, and swiss miss. now that's a 3-some! i'll bring the video camera.
Ok, now I know why they call you Video X. Sounds good to me!
yep. i explained (while drunk of course) the rule of videotaping to hashers: Always remember to get the tape back BEFORE you break up.
Animal crackers are (probably considered) degrading to animals and should be stopped immediately. How those poor giraffes and lions must feel, seeing themselves chomped on by wee little mouths! Oh, the horror! the horror!
Make sure you take pictures. And a video. You could turn your blog into a VOD site and make a few bucks.
video - what do you do with those videos once you get them back?
becky - yes, some people have not standards when it comes to boot licking....the polish MUST be flavored..come on people! ;)
dawn marie - I'm with you, but they're SO GOOD! COOKIE MONSTER ME WANT COOKIES!
fred - thanks for the idea! I need to churn some extra cash to buy one of those My First Dungeon kits.
ha! i have none. thats the problem. but really, there is only one actual video. thats how i learned the rule...from making the mistake of NOT getting it ahead of time. if i had gotten it back, i'm pretty sure i would have thrown it away. nobody is interested in amateur-never-done-this-before porn!
video - whoa, not sure what to say to that one. At least it's sunny outside!
um. yeah. it's not working out as funny as i thought it would. scratch that whole thing.
so peta! i'm sure they probably have an issue w/ animal crackers.
I used to live on animal crackers in college. I'd convince my parents to pick up a case of them at Costco, and I'd have a box of them for breakfast with a diet coke. Yummy.
Okay. Michelle Pfeiffer in black leather could convince ME to lick her boots. I'm just sayin'.
actually a bunch of months ago i read an article that said that PETA members were actually pissed b/c they were putting out a gummy animal that was called "roadkill". No joke. seriously f'ed up people.
Can you buy two of those kits? I just wore out the first one I had...
video - I'm slow sometimes (or all the time). I wonder if they could make PETA Crackers in the shape of members of the org.
the muse - sounds like the breakfast of champions (or is that pop tarts and mt. dew?)
allison - *pointing at you* BOOT LICKER!
erl - I bet they're selling that candy in WV. I'm gonna get me some. Fuck that protest!
fred - sorry bud, you're going to have to go for a My Second Dungeon kit. I didn't write the rules, I just make them up and type them.
Are you high?? I still contend that Aunt Jemima would wipe the floor with your ass!
rachael - high on life! Hell yeah Aunt Jammy would kick my ass! But what about Aunt J against Mrs. Buttersworth? Who'd win then? I'm taking bets.
Post a Comment
<< Home