Sunday, December 11, 2005

Coffee Jug: Half Empty or Completely Full?

....well THAT'S not Tears For Fears!

*there may be spelling and grammatical errors and for that I apologize*

It's time to divulge a few stories of my job as a flight attendant. Today, Crew Scheduling called me to inform me I have a scheduled trip tomorrow at 6:30 AM. I already knew about it, so that's fine. 2 minutes later the same guy called me back, when I saw the number I thought 'Oh, no, they want me to go out right now and I really want to sleep some more'. As it turns out he wanted to inform me me I have a scheduled trip tomorrow at 6:30 AM. I said, "uh, didn't you just call me and tell me that 2 minutes ago?" I had to ask him because I have a major problem with deja vous and I didn't want to be the idiot. He apologized and said he was sleep deprived. I felt like saying "Hey that's no excuse! When I'm sleep deprived you don't see me handing out peanuts instead of pretzels DO YOU?" I know, isn't that hilarious how easy life is now? My big worry is not having enough pretzels to go around.

Yesterday I was going from LaGuardia to Greensboro and some lady had a bag in her lap, this after the CD listing "federal regulations require all carry on luggage be stowed completely underneath the seat in front of you or in an over head bin." I kindly reminded her that her bag needed to be stowed and I'd be glad to assist her on my way back down the aisle. She said no problem, she'd do it, and put it under the seat. YAY! Well, a few minutes later as we're taxiing, her giant bag falls into the aisle and she leaves it there. My first thought was "dumb bitch". My second thought was "dumb bitch with a giant bag that fell in the aisle!" I had to hide myself because I burst out laughing. Don't ask why. I may be going crazy. But I'd personally like to thank that lady on my blog for making me laugh. Thank you Dumb Bitch with a giant bag that fell in the aisle! Naturally I smiled and helped her put it away saying the old standby "Oh no problem, you're welcome!"

A few weeks ago some catering lady came to the galley service door and said "Hand me your coffee jug, it's empty". Our flight was already on a tight schedule because of delays so, upon blind faith, I trusted her. She, with her coal black pouty bloodshot eyes, faint black mustache, and halitosis. Who wouldn't trust her? So I yank on the jug to pull it out of its recepticle and a tidal wave of burning hot coffee cascades upon my WHITE shirt, and skin. This happens, right as passengers are boarding. A clorox pen isn't going to clean up this mess! In a deadpan voice she says,"I guess it's not empty". Oh really? Cuz I normally get scalded by an EMPTY coffee jug! I ran and put my blazer on to cover the coffee stains, resisting the feeling that I should tell the catering lady my roommate has some bikini wax she can borrow for her upper lip, and started smiling. Obviously I can't let a passenger see my frustration! "Hello, Welcome aboard!" The moral of this story is, though you may think your a pessimist and the coffee jug is empty, you are in fact, and optimist and the coffee pot is COMPLETELY full! I have the not-so-white shirt to prove it!

On an overnight in Houston.....Thanksgiving night. I was hungry. I was sad that I wasn't eating turkey and my grandma's house, but I'd talked on the phone with them for quite a while, so now all I needed was a full belly to feel "right" about the day. The only thing open was a Jack In the Box next door to the hotel. Except. Only the drive thru was open. The captain and first officer had already gone to bed, so I knew they weren't going wake up, go to the airport, and drive the airplane through the drive I walked through. They informed me that they can't serve a walk up in the drive thru, that I must be in a vehicle. WHAT? It's Thanksgiving! You should be thankful that I'm even coming to this trash hole on a holiday. So back to the hotel I go. The lady at the front desk said she could have the hotel shuttle drive me through. I said OK. But really I didn't want him to drive me because I was paying with dimes and quarters. You see it was right before payday and I was really broke. How embarrassing is it to not ONLY pay for your food with dimes and quarters, but to have to HAND them to a van driver that you DIDN'T tip earlier for picking you up at the airport? The animalistic drive of hunger won against my pride's wittle bitty ego. Damn skippy I'm gonna pay for food with dimes and quarters! I's a ho-ngry. Ironically, the grease from those tacos dripped all over the pants I'm currently wearing and I can still see the stains. Ah, sweet delicious memories.....

And how's everyone?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


Blogger Fred said...

Good to see you back. I'm sure you'll have endless stories to write about. As a passenger, I could have a separate blog just to rant about other passengers.

Glad you're doing well. I think.

12/11/2005 5:27 PM  
Blogger Lavender Dawn said...

A jack in the box! I haven't been to one of those since I was a kid! You should have laid it on thick and begged to be helped. You should have told them they were out perfectly good dimes and nickels by not serving you. What fools!

Good to have you back. I am glad you are enjoying your job!

12/11/2005 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

glad to see you've finally posted. Okay, those were some funny, funny stories. Thanks for sharing!

12/12/2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Awesome new direction for this blog...passenger stories!

See you Friday!

12/12/2005 2:24 PM  
Blogger The Muse said...

Yay! Stal!!! Missed you, darlin! You're not doing any flights from Atlanta to Vegas in Feb, are you? *wink, wink*
Glad you're well, hope to hear from you again soon!

12/13/2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger Buck Rogers said...

nice, love stories like this

12/14/2005 7:11 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

You will probably be able to fill your entire blog with stories like these...stupid public.

But, please enlighten us all on what the big deal is about having the seat in the upright position during take-offs and landings?

12/14/2005 9:52 PM  
Blogger SirTalksALot said...

fred - would your rants include screaming babies? Stick a binky in dat thing!

dawn marie - jack in the box....isn't it the place that caused a few deaths from under cooked beef? I probably shouldn't have eaten there, but my stomach has a mind of its own.

brian - thank you! How's WV?

allison - I could definitely have a post daily if I went with passenger stories. I can't wait to see you. How fun!

the muse - I only WISH I was doing Vegas flights. Those overnights would be killer. Tampa, Key West, and Miami are about the most exciting things going for me right now. Maybe Atlanta in February? :)

buck rogers - these are what my life is made of...tragic indeed! But I love laughing at crazy things like this.

becky - you hit it right on the nose with that "stupid public" but most don't know any better (I suppose).

Regarding the seat in the upright position during take-offs and landings: Take-off/Landings are the "critical" times of a flight. Most accidents happen during the first 8 or last 3 minutes in the air on an aircraft. That being said the FAA has done intensive research regarding what the safest situation would be in the unlikely event of a crash condusive for passengers exiting most effectively. Even though a seat doesn't recline more than a few inches, they noticed the reclined position delayed passengers from exiting as quickly as the upright position. So that was a long way to case of a crash it's easier to get out and most crashed happen during take off and landing. Ya know, I should have just said that...but now that I already wrote all that other shpeel, I'm leaving it!

12/15/2005 12:28 PM  
Blogger Video X said...

so i guess that means i can't ask for another pretzels?

stupid dumb bitch. glad she made you laugh but it would have been really funny if someone elbowed her in the stomach.

apparently coffee crazy lady is also of the dumb bitch variety.

that's awful they wouldnt let you walk thru even on thanksgiving! i missed my family's thanksgiving ONCE AND ONLY ONCE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. i cried.

well...these were very entertaining stories...other than the fact that you got burned and got burned on thanksgiving...ouch!

12/21/2005 2:16 PM  
Blogger Trojan said...

I have always thought flight attendents should get together and write a book. It could be called" So many stupid people and so little time"

12/22/2005 1:21 PM  

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