TO BOLDLY GO....

...where no fabric has gone before. Is that the goal of underwear when they become wedged in your posterior region? Well, I'm putting this out there for all fabrics - I'VE HAD A WEDGIE BEFORE - so you can stop the butt space exploration. That's right Cotton! I'm talking to you. Yeah, your friend Poly Ester violated me just a couple days ago when I was reaching and bending for a pan in the dishwasher. I know Cotton, that you'd prefer to come between me and Poly Ester. I agree, that with your touch, your feel, you ARE the fabric of my life (other than DNA). If I'd only been faithful to you, Poly never would have explored my grand canyon with the naughty fingers of her synthetic microfibers. But she was a fiber on the move baby, she bent me - shaped me, any way she wanted me, but the feeling of her in my personal space just wasn't the same, Cotton. You are the one I want touching me in my special places. When I'm hot you breathe, thus letting me breathe, when I'm cold, you hold in my heat, but when I fart...do you have to, do you have to let it linger? Oh, I'm such a fool for you. I've got you wrapped around my dinger and body. Even when I kick you to the floor (so that I can go potty), you're always so natural, so real with me. It's ok that you're not the same as you were when I bought you. You've stretched out to accommodate the, uh...CRACK, in our relationship as it grows ever wider from too many Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. What's that? What about Wool? Cotton, honey, baby. I'll never see Wool again. Remember when I had that rash that I said was from changing soaps, well, she's the one that gave it to me. Synthetic whore! Plus, she's into scratching, and I'd prefer to keep things less abrai-u-sive. Oh yeah? What about the time I got you wet and you shrunk? What about that? You big fabric ball buster! I was singing soprano for a week! Ok I forgive you, and I'm glad you've done the same for me. OH GOOD LORD....you scared me. Quit "creeping" up on me like that!