Sit'N'Spin

I broke my nephew's Sit'N'Spin a few months ago because evidently there's a weight limit. I sat down and when I tried to spin, all I heard was a cracking sound as the center wheel came off in my hands. Why? Why don't children's' toys support fat uncles? There are kids fatter than me that still would like to sit'n'spin. What better way to reduce overeating for kids or adults than being nauseated by spinning? I guess they figure if you're round you might as well just play that game the Fire Men taught you. "Stop! Drop! N'Roll" Except fat kids like to turn it into stop, drop-and-eat-all-skinny neighbor-kid's-cinnamon-rolls.

I remember at the age of 8, running with my friends, pretending to be on fire, and because SOMEONE in the group was so lazy he didn't want to run anymore he yelled "STOP. DROP and ROLL!" And everyone else was like, "that's dumb" and this boy that had spent all summer eating gravy, spice cake, french fries, and hamburgers was like "Uhm, no it's not. It saves lives and look" *drops, n'rolls* "I'm not on pretend fire anymore" and this other kid who was stinky because he pooped his pants all the time was like, "you're still dumb, and we're still on fire, see ya!" and with that they left the fat kid all alone to Stop, Drop, and Roll home. But on his way home the stinky kid's mom was like "HEY *fatty*, come get a cinnamon roll, I just made them" So fatty went over and as stink-o's mom answered the phone he ate them all cuz the mom didn't really say not to and she left them out and there only 3, but they were kind of like Grand's or something, so they were big and OH so good. Then fatty ran the rest of the way home cuz he felt like he maybe shouldn't have done that, but secretly was happy to have punished the other kids since they'd called him dumb, but was thinking "now who's the dumb one, stinky skinny kid?" Ok, do I have to spell it out for you, the fat kid was me!

The lesson of the story up to this point is that fat kids should NOT be left out because they'll eat all your snacks, they should be left out because they'll turn into fat uncles that break your toys.
But the story does not end there. I played Stop Drop and Roll in many forms even into my early 20's. Except at age 21 it turned into the STOP drinking vodka long enough to DROP that pill into my mouth so I can ROLL the rest of the night. That didn't last extremely long and since I turned 25 it's been more along the lines of STOP eating Chipotle burritos, DROP moola on bills, and ROLL over in bed so I can sleep 12 more hours, all while maintaining my perfect shape - ROUND.

The new, yet uncannily the same, morale of the story is: Parents don't let the Fire Department try to save lives with the whole STOP DROP and ROLL shpiel. All they're doing is creating another fat uncle that will break his nephew's toys, and your clogged-artery heart!