8 UnWise Why's Listed
1. Why does the love of my life, Jennifer Garner, love someone else? She grew up in West Virginia, so did I. She's hot, so am I (ha ha ha ha). She smiles and so do I, mainly because she's smiling at me. We have many things in common. Why is she dating someone from Boston? That's a whole world away from Charleston. Other ladies are jealous of her, because I pay them no mind (snicker), knowing that someday, this sweetest lady will realize, via our ESP connection, that I'm waiting patiently for her. Ok, the truth is, I just want her as my body guard so I can act like a big stupid jerk and have her kick-ass! Her new Alias could be "My Pet"....
2. Why did I just say "My Pet"? I sound like Doctor Evil or some 30's gangster with a bimbo blonde.
3. Why are all my favorite singers dead? Elvis, Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, Patsy Cline, the lead singer of Blind Melon. I know "why" they're dead, but I'm not sure why I think they're superior to everyone else. *Reminder to moi - try to figure out why (in whispery tone) "I hear dead people". Actually, I think Blind Melon is the band I'd have wanted to be in had I been a drugged-out rocker. In fact, I'm growing my hair out just so that I can start a band. I'm going to calling it Visionary Can't-Elope in honor of Blind Melon.
4. Speaking of which....Why do people elope? I mean I could see why a poor chic might push her man to drive through the chapel in Las Vegas - because she's embarrassed to admit her parents are so poor they're going to serve Spam-burgers at the reception with homemade rancid tasting wine that's really just balsamic vinegar mixed with grape juice. But as a man, I'm all for the wedding. Come on guys HER FAMILY PAYS! Now that's value! You get a free party for standing in front of a bunch of people reciting lines that in our culture mean nothing - "for better or for worse" when it gets worse, people get divorced - then you get all the lovin' your body can handle. Personally I think undressing her after that event will be the hottest thing ever.
5. Why not have the wedding at St. John the Divine Cathedral in New York? If my memory serves me correctly, it's the longest Cathedral in the world from front to back. I'll make that girl and her daddy work for snaggin' this man! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it (imaginary) people like me!
6. Why did I spend an hour scrubbing the copper bottom of pans I use maybe once a month? Ok, I really just wanted to see it shine. I love new copper. When I see a shiny penny, I keep it over the dark, grimy ones. When they were rehabbing the Statue of Liberty, I thought it would have been awesome to see it done with shiny copper, and let it slowly age back to green, but they didn't do it! Man, I feel like I'm retarded because I'm so easily amused by shiny objects.
7. Why did I use hydrogen peroxide to bleach my hair when I was 14? My hair freakin' looked like a candy corn! The hair on top was yellow and kinda white, and the sides were orange. Grandma actually cried when she saw it. "What did you do to your beautiful head of hair?" Mom couldn't stand the barrage of inquiries into my "rebellion" so she went out and bought a box of Clairol Nice'N'Easy "blonde". I don't remember what number is was, but afterwards, my hair was still orange. Mom called my fake blonde aunt for advice. The next night she bought a box of "winsome wheat". We followed the directions exactly as the box specified. I washed my hair, and suddenly I had old lady blue/gray hair! The picture showed a blonde on the cover, NOT the Shoebox Greeting Lady. There was nothing NICE nor EASY about having old lady blue/gray hair! Mom and I laughed for hours, until I threatened to shave my head. I'd done it 2 years prior, so it wasn't an empty threat. Mom cried "NOOOOOOOooooo!" "I'll run out right now and buy you a new baseball cap!" I was a 80 year old lady for 3 weeks when I was a 14 year old boy. Finally, after washing my hair A LOT, it faded to blonde. By that time my roots started showing! And...for 10 years afterwards when my hair grew out it was curly. Ain't nothing easy 'bout hair care. Nice'N'Easy...one-oh-HATE!
8. "Into each life a little rain must fall," but into mine it's a fu*kin' monsoon! And, I'm talking literal rain. Columbus weather sucks hairy toes on a woman. Why....does it rain so much here? I'm not really a weather man, but I would never name a storm in the tropics a "depression"! How cold you be depressed in the tropics? Try going 6 months with clouds EVERY DAY. Fu*k depression! This weather pattern should be called a NON-tropical Suicide!
2. Why did I just say "My Pet"? I sound like Doctor Evil or some 30's gangster with a bimbo blonde.
3. Why are all my favorite singers dead? Elvis, Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, Patsy Cline, the lead singer of Blind Melon. I know "why" they're dead, but I'm not sure why I think they're superior to everyone else. *Reminder to moi - try to figure out why (in whispery tone) "I hear dead people". Actually, I think Blind Melon is the band I'd have wanted to be in had I been a drugged-out rocker. In fact, I'm growing my hair out just so that I can start a band. I'm going to calling it Visionary Can't-Elope in honor of Blind Melon.
4. Speaking of which....Why do people elope? I mean I could see why a poor chic might push her man to drive through the chapel in Las Vegas - because she's embarrassed to admit her parents are so poor they're going to serve Spam-burgers at the reception with homemade rancid tasting wine that's really just balsamic vinegar mixed with grape juice. But as a man, I'm all for the wedding. Come on guys HER FAMILY PAYS! Now that's value! You get a free party for standing in front of a bunch of people reciting lines that in our culture mean nothing - "for better or for worse" when it gets worse, people get divorced - then you get all the lovin' your body can handle. Personally I think undressing her after that event will be the hottest thing ever.
5. Why not have the wedding at St. John the Divine Cathedral in New York? If my memory serves me correctly, it's the longest Cathedral in the world from front to back. I'll make that girl and her daddy work for snaggin' this man! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it (imaginary) people like me!
6. Why did I spend an hour scrubbing the copper bottom of pans I use maybe once a month? Ok, I really just wanted to see it shine. I love new copper. When I see a shiny penny, I keep it over the dark, grimy ones. When they were rehabbing the Statue of Liberty, I thought it would have been awesome to see it done with shiny copper, and let it slowly age back to green, but they didn't do it! Man, I feel like I'm retarded because I'm so easily amused by shiny objects.
7. Why did I use hydrogen peroxide to bleach my hair when I was 14? My hair freakin' looked like a candy corn! The hair on top was yellow and kinda white, and the sides were orange. Grandma actually cried when she saw it. "What did you do to your beautiful head of hair?" Mom couldn't stand the barrage of inquiries into my "rebellion" so she went out and bought a box of Clairol Nice'N'Easy "blonde". I don't remember what number is was, but afterwards, my hair was still orange. Mom called my fake blonde aunt for advice. The next night she bought a box of "winsome wheat". We followed the directions exactly as the box specified. I washed my hair, and suddenly I had old lady blue/gray hair! The picture showed a blonde on the cover, NOT the Shoebox Greeting Lady. There was nothing NICE nor EASY about having old lady blue/gray hair! Mom and I laughed for hours, until I threatened to shave my head. I'd done it 2 years prior, so it wasn't an empty threat. Mom cried "NOOOOOOOooooo!" "I'll run out right now and buy you a new baseball cap!" I was a 80 year old lady for 3 weeks when I was a 14 year old boy. Finally, after washing my hair A LOT, it faded to blonde. By that time my roots started showing! And...for 10 years afterwards when my hair grew out it was curly. Ain't nothing easy 'bout hair care. Nice'N'Easy...one-oh-HATE!
8. "Into each life a little rain must fall," but into mine it's a fu*kin' monsoon! And, I'm talking literal rain. Columbus weather sucks hairy toes on a woman. Why....does it rain so much here? I'm not really a weather man, but I would never name a storm in the tropics a "depression"! How cold you be depressed in the tropics? Try going 6 months with clouds EVERY DAY. Fu*k depression! This weather pattern should be called a NON-tropical Suicide!
posted by SirTalksALot at 4/07/2005 11:10:00 AM
12 Comments:
I know - all the good singers are dead!! That's how I feel about the singer for Sublime - that's like the best band ever, but he's dead, so I'll never see them perform. Fuck!!
There's nothing wrong with eloping! It's not just for poor people, ya know.
I'm going to elope (well, first I get a new boyfriend) because I'd rather spend an insane amount of money on booze than on a wedding dress.
I am a girl with priorities.
webmiz - I haven't heard of Sublime, I'll have to check them out...any particular songs?
boozie - a woman after my own heart...booze before wedding-wear.
amanda - now that's a vision! a reverse dalmation...you should've kept that, it's probably going to be in style sometime soon. ha! you have a fake blonde/gray aunt too...I guess every family over 3 siblings must have one...someone has to be different. LOL
Her family doesn't always pay. I've seen a number of weddings where it was left to the bride and groom to pay yet the families still expect a big wedding. I'm all for the las vegas quicky. Even blowing a couple grand at the casinos is cheaper than the couple hundred plate fiasco.
Rich - My motto is: No dowery, no way! Ooo..that's funny. I don't even know anyone with a new car. LOL Vegas sounds fun....especially if you can marry Brittany Spears!
People elope because it's the only way to get it over with before everyone sobers up. Boozie will be one of my attendants, apparently.
I am having t-shirts printed up that say "No dowery". Just want to put it out there, y'know?
Allison - New York is where I learned about THE DOWERY. I was at this bar on Ave A, and this unattractive Jersey girl wanted me to marry her, and make babies, so she could get some of the dowery. I was cracking up! I think she was approaching 35 and her parents were putting on the pressure. LOL
Becky - My blog ideas just flow, and sometimes they don't. This one was all one big gush. Plus, if I'm busy at work, I don't blog as much.
I'm on my way to Hawaii - Got a spare room? :)
*dumbfounded*
are you serious? they are the best...any of their CDs are excellent. 40 Ounces To Freedom is a good choice, especially if you like good-time party music like me!!
The best singers are dead because thats the deal made at birth. You are not allowed to have that much talent and live a long life. You have to pick one. Scientists and George Burns aside, most people with a lot of talent die younger than those folks without. That's the deal. If you don't believe me, ask anybody over 80 to dance, sing or throw a football.
Webmiz - Thanks! I'm all about good time music! I'll check that out next time I'm at a music store or download it.
Tommyblaze - Damn I didn't get that offer when I was born. Shi* I wish I'd been a cuter baby cuz I think there's a rockstar afterbirth out there taking my place.
OH MY FURKING GOD.
I LOVE BLIND MELON. I LOVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE BLIND MELON. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY KNOW THAT SHANNON HOON WAS NOT A GIRL.
i got so excited when I read that that i skipped the rest of your post and just left this here comment.
One reason for eloping - to guarantee the Big Day doesn't turninto a scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
My cousin got married last year and I was one of TEN bridesmaids.
That experience alone would encourage anyone to consider eloping.
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