Once upon a time......

On a rainy Saturday morning I woke myself at 8:00 AM. There is something absolutely horribly wrong with me. Who does that on Saturday, no alarm, not having to pee, no tornado or end of the world. So I tried going to back to sleep. Just as it seemed I could hear myself snore, the phone rang. "Good morning! Do you want to go to the Renaissance Festival with me and B?" Weighing between sleeping in or making fun of people dressed in costumes in August, the choice is obvious, so I said "sure". G told me to be at their place by 10:30. And, duh, I was. So we left Westerville in the year 2005 for the Renaissance, year 1300-ish, but not before stopping at Kroger's for $3 off coupons. Hey we were time traveling on a budget, what can I say? And....who doesn't need snack food on a road trip? Really road trips are my favorite thing in the world and I do them right. Lots of junk food and sodie-pop. Kroger was selling travel size chocolate Teddy Grahams, Cheese Nips, and Oreo Cookies 3 for $1 with the Kroger Plus Card. BULLETIN, BULLETIN, Sir was on that junk like flies on roadkill. To compliment my swell deal, Burger King was only a stone's throw away, and yes I did partake in such delicacies. I mean, what better place to eat than a restaurant with the word "King" in it when you're off to the Renaissance, right?

Wilmington, the nearest town to Ren Fest is about an hour's drive Southwest from Columbus on I-71. The entire way the sky poured like so many Damsel's tears, yes. Her clouds of gray did not dismay the journey, though, No! Because I found G's car window sun shade! Weeee, what fun. It made the perfect jester's cap, hmm, actually it looked more like a bike helmet, but in any case, entertainment more than the passing corn fields could provide. 10 miles before our exit, the sky stopped falling and the sun came out! YAY!

This was my virgin excursion to the famous festival, so I didn't know what to expect. Surprisingly it was bigger than anticipated. The pictures we took aren't available yet, so I found this site that's pretty good at capturing the essence of the experience. Basically, a bunch of actors talking olde English, being rude, and trying to get you to buy their creations. There were sword shops, fragrant oil shops, candle shops. The best shop was the glass shop, not because of the creations, but because of the process of creation. The artist would super heat a glass stick carefully crafting breakable objects only a grandmother could love. The process was awesome, the product, eh, call Hallmark or my grandma if you want a buyer for that crap.

Next door to GL Asses sat a copper rose and dragon maker. The pharmaceutically laid back artist of this hut bid me to "stop and smell the roses." Which I did. They smelled like rose bathroom deodorizer! She really got a kick out of her copper flowers being scented. I did exercise restraint from telling her I'd done the same thing with rose oil in our bathroom when I was twelve, making each and every rose on the wallpaper smell like a real rose. "Mom next time you're in the downstairs bathroom, sniff the roses!" Mom was none too thrilled by that childhood experiment I'll tell ya. Due to possible affixation from rose oil scent, the bathroom was closed for a week. Back to the Ren Fest, I'm glad the lady didn't ask me to smell the dragon's mouth. Speculating what scent was used for that has me queasy. Besides I already had dragon breath, no need to smell the fake thing.

We watched a parrot show, put on by a real live fake pirate in front of his ship. We watched a different pirate and his crew kidnap one of the village girls and swing around on ropes on the same ship. We watched a joust, prior to which one of the knights chopped an apple off a surf's head. Most skilled was he wielding his sword, indeed! And the ultimate entertainment.....A MUD SHOW! It was a comedy in which people throw mud at each other and tell jokes. I'd say that was my favorite part of the trip. That and the fact that I had baggy pants on and when I bent down to strategically crack my back the entire thing ripped from my mid thigh upwards towards my hiney. Each and every bend caused an increase in rippage. Quit laughing! Do you know how long it will take to sew that hole? Neither do cuz I'm NOT gonna do it!

Hmmm, what else was there. Oh I drank mead which is some very sweet wine stuff that did nothing towards providing a buzz. Lastly was the old winch selling TROLL House chocolate chip cookies. Me pass on a cookie? You're outta your mind. That cookie made my day, and that was the end of the trip. Well almost........

On our way back to Westerville, G's car pitched a fit and we had to pull into a KFC in Grove City, aka Grovetucky, so named by the migration of Kentuckians to the area to find employment. Oh and don't let that link fool you, I think that picture was the band in London. Picture a cow field with a house, and a traffic signal, and you have Grove City! The transmission was squirting fluid everywhere! I nearly shouted WE STRUCK OIL, but realized my folly before opening this cursed mouth of mine. Anyway, I'm not sure what happened, but it was a mess. It sucks big time for them because the car just got back from the shop after a deer popped in front of it smooshing the front end. Just a thought, the repair shop forgot to tighten somethin', I dunno. B's parents came and picked us all up and let him borrow their car so we all made it home. Yay! Man I was sleepy though.

...........And so tis the end of my tale o'er fields o' corn to the Ohio Renaissance Village and back again.