Grandpa - TV Remote Hijacker
Yesterday my parents called me to meet them down at Grandpa and Grandma's house. When I arrived a quarter til 7, mom was picking at the fattiest looking Shake'N'Bake pork chop I've ever seen. She was obviously disgusted by it because she was making the get-that-mayo-away-from-me face, but of course, she said, "whew I'm so full I can't eat another bite". This after cutting the chop into tiny bits so that it appeared she'd had eaten some.
Grandma scurried to get the dishes done and ran into the living room cuz "Jeopardy's a comin' on and if I don't hurry, Charlie changes the station!" Just as she settled down in her recliner, Grandpa switched to Lifetime Television for Women. The best movie ever made was on. Get ready here's the description...
(http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move2795.html)
SUDDEN TERROR: THE HIJACKING OF SCHOOL #17
Director: Paul Schneider
Stars: Maria Conchita Alonso and Marcy Walker
Based on a real-life incident in Miami, a quick-thinking bus driver helps to steer a group of children to safety after their bus is hijacked.
If you go to the link you'll see a still frame of Marcy Walker in her SWAT team outfit, which in and of itself is very sexy stretched over her slightly misshapen hulk. For some reason the director allowed her to have a overly processed nappy pony tail sticking out the back of the hat which took me ten minutes to figure out it wasn't one of those mullet caps you get a Spencer's Gifts. I'm not sure if her character is supposed to be albino or if Marcy was really into the role acting frightened for the retarded kids on the hijacked bus, but during the entire film her skin is the color of pale boiled chicken flesh. I dunno, maybe she could have stopped by the spray tanning booth before accepting this role. I mean come on! It's Miami, not Alaska. She would have been suffering from a 3rd degree sunburn if she REALLY lived in Miami with her curdled milky complexion.
Because we didn't catch the beginning, I wasn't sure why a Chinese-Mexican waiter would want to kidnap a bunch of kids because he's been audited by the IRS. I can only assume he was going to take them on a field trip to Washington, D.C. to see the head of the IRS about his tax issues.
The bus driver, played by Maria Conchita Alonso (it's fun saying that name 10 times really fast) is touted in the description as "quick-thinking" because she helps to steer a group of children to safety. Where I'm from a bus driver doesn't HELP to steer a bus, they DO steer the bus, and when they don't the bus steers itself into a tree. It's doesn't take quick thinking to steer a bus people! No disrespect here to the professionals that allowed many people to get pummeled by spit wads while other passengers were getting high, but I think even the cool stop sign and blinking lights are automatic.
So the wheels on the bus are going round and round on the freeway and the SWAT Team pulls up in this super cool boxy 4-door family car from the 80's (the movie is from 1996). The bus driver opens the door, while STILL in motion, (she really should have been fired at this point) and the SWAT Team throws a cell phone into the bus. I'm not sure if the stop sign is extended during this scene, but I really need to watch my new favorite movie again to pick up that detail. Anyway, the phone starts ringing and the hijacker appears to be contemplating whether he should answer it. Everyone gets really annoyed, including the kids, and they start yelling at him to answer the phone! I'm not kidding. The kids are telling the hijacker what to do, and, get this, HE DOES IT! So if these brats are SO bossy and in control WHY the heck didn't they just tell the guy to jump out?
When the SWAT Team (including Marcy) zoom in front of the bus in the really trashy ugly car, in an attempt to slow the bus down, the hijacker tells the bus driver to ram them. This is almost the best part of the movie because when the SWAT Team is rammed, everyone in the car lurches forward grabbing their necks saying they're going to sue the bus driver. No not really, but I would have.
I forget the rest because I drifted off, but when I woke up, the hijacker is dead on the bus. One kid got hit in the eye by flying glass as the bullet came through the window, and the little girl in a pretty white dress now has blood on it. I'm not sure if the girl is mentally challenged or just a really bad actress because she starts spazzing out. Maybe her mother threatened her not to get the dress dirty with bus hijacker blood. I dunno.
Ok kids it's time to exit the back of the bus. In my version of this film I would have inserted OutKast's "Rosa Parks" on the soundtrack....'Aye-a wuz that fuss, everybody get to the back of the bus'........ This is the absolute funniest part of whole film because you don't really hear anyone yelling or crying but when each kid comes to the door of the bus they start their extremely bad fake crying. Wa-wa-wa blah blah blah, and then everyone jumps out the back of the bus and the bus driver breaks her ankle doing so. So all the little kids can jump from 3 feet, but the big bad bus driver breaks her ankle when she does it! HILARIOUS.
*Mom and me were cracking up and grandpa was frowning at us. I think he had developed a sort of crush on the bus driver and was genuinely concerned by her broken ankle.
All the parents of these bratty kids were waiting back at the school. A new bus arrives and now the bus driver has to convince the kids to get back on another bus. None of the kids want to. HELLO! If I was just hijacked on a SCHOOL BUS, a place of stinky rubber smelling misery, I certainly wouldn't get back on the bus. Why didn't the parents drive to where the traumatized kids were and pick them up? I would definitely have filed for divorce from those parents. Here's the kicker though, the SWAT Team goes on the new bus to assure the kids that there isn't a another hijacker. They're checking under the seats and stuff, and they say "all clear" and then THEY GET OFF THE BUS leaving the kids. What sort of assurance is that? If they really trust the bus isn't going to be hijacked again they should have rode with the kids. Talk about low life scum SWAT Team! Then again, maybe the kids and the bus driver had really bad B.O. from being in an non-air-conditioned bus driving around Miami for hours and the SWAT Team couldn't handle the smell.
Well, my stomach started hurting from all the laughter and grandpa was frowning so much his eyes had disappeared, so I went home.
There are too many morales to this story:
1. Don't ride the school bus in Miami, everyone probably has BO, because they were sweating like pigs going to slaughter.
2. If you're the bus driver and a new student older than you gets on, he's probably not in the Continuing Adult Education Program. HE's A FREAKIN' HIJACKER!
3. If you're a school bus hijacker, don't answer the cell phone the SWAT Team throws into the bus while you're flying down the highway, even if the kids tease you into it.
4. If you're an Albino like Marcy Walker, stick to movies set in more alpine regions so you don't blind people with your reflective skin.
5. If you're a bus driver and you have to jump out the back of the bus, have the kids call the fire department ahead of time to set up one of those air bag thingies that people jump into from 40 story burning buildings so you don't break your ankle. Stupid beeeoch.
6. If you have 10 dollars in your pocket, you have more budget than this film did!
7. If you're my grandma, skip doing the dinner dishes so you can snag the TV remote before grandpa hijacks the TV! It will spare bloggers from reading about the BEST movie on Lifetime.
Grandma scurried to get the dishes done and ran into the living room cuz "Jeopardy's a comin' on and if I don't hurry, Charlie changes the station!" Just as she settled down in her recliner, Grandpa switched to Lifetime Television for Women. The best movie ever made was on. Get ready here's the description...
(http://www.lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move2795.html)
SUDDEN TERROR: THE HIJACKING OF SCHOOL #17
Director: Paul Schneider
Stars: Maria Conchita Alonso and Marcy Walker
Based on a real-life incident in Miami, a quick-thinking bus driver helps to steer a group of children to safety after their bus is hijacked.
If you go to the link you'll see a still frame of Marcy Walker in her SWAT team outfit, which in and of itself is very sexy stretched over her slightly misshapen hulk. For some reason the director allowed her to have a overly processed nappy pony tail sticking out the back of the hat which took me ten minutes to figure out it wasn't one of those mullet caps you get a Spencer's Gifts. I'm not sure if her character is supposed to be albino or if Marcy was really into the role acting frightened for the retarded kids on the hijacked bus, but during the entire film her skin is the color of pale boiled chicken flesh. I dunno, maybe she could have stopped by the spray tanning booth before accepting this role. I mean come on! It's Miami, not Alaska. She would have been suffering from a 3rd degree sunburn if she REALLY lived in Miami with her curdled milky complexion.
Because we didn't catch the beginning, I wasn't sure why a Chinese-Mexican waiter would want to kidnap a bunch of kids because he's been audited by the IRS. I can only assume he was going to take them on a field trip to Washington, D.C. to see the head of the IRS about his tax issues.
The bus driver, played by Maria Conchita Alonso (it's fun saying that name 10 times really fast) is touted in the description as "quick-thinking" because she helps to steer a group of children to safety. Where I'm from a bus driver doesn't HELP to steer a bus, they DO steer the bus, and when they don't the bus steers itself into a tree. It's doesn't take quick thinking to steer a bus people! No disrespect here to the professionals that allowed many people to get pummeled by spit wads while other passengers were getting high, but I think even the cool stop sign and blinking lights are automatic.
So the wheels on the bus are going round and round on the freeway and the SWAT Team pulls up in this super cool boxy 4-door family car from the 80's (the movie is from 1996). The bus driver opens the door, while STILL in motion, (she really should have been fired at this point) and the SWAT Team throws a cell phone into the bus. I'm not sure if the stop sign is extended during this scene, but I really need to watch my new favorite movie again to pick up that detail. Anyway, the phone starts ringing and the hijacker appears to be contemplating whether he should answer it. Everyone gets really annoyed, including the kids, and they start yelling at him to answer the phone! I'm not kidding. The kids are telling the hijacker what to do, and, get this, HE DOES IT! So if these brats are SO bossy and in control WHY the heck didn't they just tell the guy to jump out?
When the SWAT Team (including Marcy) zoom in front of the bus in the really trashy ugly car, in an attempt to slow the bus down, the hijacker tells the bus driver to ram them. This is almost the best part of the movie because when the SWAT Team is rammed, everyone in the car lurches forward grabbing their necks saying they're going to sue the bus driver. No not really, but I would have.
I forget the rest because I drifted off, but when I woke up, the hijacker is dead on the bus. One kid got hit in the eye by flying glass as the bullet came through the window, and the little girl in a pretty white dress now has blood on it. I'm not sure if the girl is mentally challenged or just a really bad actress because she starts spazzing out. Maybe her mother threatened her not to get the dress dirty with bus hijacker blood. I dunno.
Ok kids it's time to exit the back of the bus. In my version of this film I would have inserted OutKast's "Rosa Parks" on the soundtrack....'Aye-a wuz that fuss, everybody get to the back of the bus'........ This is the absolute funniest part of whole film because you don't really hear anyone yelling or crying but when each kid comes to the door of the bus they start their extremely bad fake crying. Wa-wa-wa blah blah blah, and then everyone jumps out the back of the bus and the bus driver breaks her ankle doing so. So all the little kids can jump from 3 feet, but the big bad bus driver breaks her ankle when she does it! HILARIOUS.
*Mom and me were cracking up and grandpa was frowning at us. I think he had developed a sort of crush on the bus driver and was genuinely concerned by her broken ankle.
All the parents of these bratty kids were waiting back at the school. A new bus arrives and now the bus driver has to convince the kids to get back on another bus. None of the kids want to. HELLO! If I was just hijacked on a SCHOOL BUS, a place of stinky rubber smelling misery, I certainly wouldn't get back on the bus. Why didn't the parents drive to where the traumatized kids were and pick them up? I would definitely have filed for divorce from those parents. Here's the kicker though, the SWAT Team goes on the new bus to assure the kids that there isn't a another hijacker. They're checking under the seats and stuff, and they say "all clear" and then THEY GET OFF THE BUS leaving the kids. What sort of assurance is that? If they really trust the bus isn't going to be hijacked again they should have rode with the kids. Talk about low life scum SWAT Team! Then again, maybe the kids and the bus driver had really bad B.O. from being in an non-air-conditioned bus driving around Miami for hours and the SWAT Team couldn't handle the smell.
Well, my stomach started hurting from all the laughter and grandpa was frowning so much his eyes had disappeared, so I went home.
There are too many morales to this story:
1. Don't ride the school bus in Miami, everyone probably has BO, because they were sweating like pigs going to slaughter.
2. If you're the bus driver and a new student older than you gets on, he's probably not in the Continuing Adult Education Program. HE's A FREAKIN' HIJACKER!
3. If you're a school bus hijacker, don't answer the cell phone the SWAT Team throws into the bus while you're flying down the highway, even if the kids tease you into it.
4. If you're an Albino like Marcy Walker, stick to movies set in more alpine regions so you don't blind people with your reflective skin.
5. If you're a bus driver and you have to jump out the back of the bus, have the kids call the fire department ahead of time to set up one of those air bag thingies that people jump into from 40 story burning buildings so you don't break your ankle. Stupid beeeoch.
6. If you have 10 dollars in your pocket, you have more budget than this film did!
7. If you're my grandma, skip doing the dinner dishes so you can snag the TV remote before grandpa hijacks the TV! It will spare bloggers from reading about the BEST movie on Lifetime.
posted by SirTalksALot at 4/22/2005 12:45:00 PM
10 Comments:
egads! those lifetime movies are the best of the worst!!
I guess the C-list actors need to start SOMEWHERE though.
You are very good at this. From now on I'm not going to watch TV - I'll just call you to see what I missed.
my favorite all time Lifetime movie - the one where Kevin from the Wonder Years kills D.J. from Full House. Awesome.
julie - Exactly the emotions I was going for!
webmiz - actually I think the leading actresses started out B-list, then moved down to C. After this movie, I'd have to call them an F-list.
Amanda - I'm surprised they didn't make a Lifetime movie about your bus w/ no brakes ordeal. Did the cement from the truck start pouring into the bus?
Becky - Speed was unbelievable for me, how could anyone go 50 MPH in LA with all that traffic? ;) And yeah, what's up with the education system, Michelle Pfieffer's character as a teacher in Dangerous Minds should definitely get paid more than Maria Conchita Alonso's broken ankle bus driver character.
Mysti - Ch-YEAH, mullet caps are all the rage at Spencer's Gifts. A few years ago I bought a Jack Osbourne wig for Halloween.
Tommy - Thank you! TV rots the mind anyway, I'll give you a special deal on my 900-dial-a-lifetime-movie-review hotline.
ERL - I didn't see that one, but I did see when Patti Duke's daughter, played by Kelly from Saved By the Bell, gets killed by her ugly friend that drives a Chevette.
this post broke my length threshold... glad you put the list of morals at the bottom. They helped out a bunch... I wish more things had a list of morals at the end. Like all those books I had to read in High School. But no you had to buy those Clif's Notes... and they beat around the bush a lot. If the original author wrote what the moral should be you wouldn't have to do all that speculating in your essay and the teacher couldn't say you were wrong!
TYSEN - Cliff's Notes should write a book about life. Then it would take 10 minutes to learn all of life's real lessons and that would leave time for more important things like naps, eating, and drinking!
I doubt I'd ever have watched that movie to begin with, but now I'm most certain. Why watch tv when you can read about it on bloggers....I loved: Maria Conchita Alonso....just sounds great when you repeat it!
God, I love Lifetime movies. I almost watched the old stand-by "Fifteen and Pregnant" starring Kirsten Dunst.
Your re-cap was SUPERB, by the way.
This is why I love my job - I can read re-caps of crappy Lifetime movies while listening to the radio, emailing my best friend, and discussing lunch options with my "work-husband."
And Sir, dahling, I must say you are adorable. (In a good way, not in a "cute kindergartener running off to school in osh-kosh-b'gosh overalls with mommy's kiss goodbye smudged on his cheek.")
Mitzzee - I think her name was my favorite part!
Boozie - Haven't seen 15 n prego yet, I just saw that tennis movie with Kirsten Dunst, total chic flick, the girls loved it, it bored me, I made fun of it the whole time. Thank you for your kind words!
The Muse - I love that your job allows you to do all those things too, and I love that you find me adorable. Gratze!
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