Thursday, December 22, 2005

Brain Farts

....well THAT'S not Tears For Fears!

As I sit here gazing at the monitor, and hearing the sounds of REM blasting from a teenager's iPod....."that's me in the corner, that's me in the spot-light"...I really can't think of what should be written. I've lost my rhythm...."losing my religion". No brain, I haven't lost my religion! My brain is confused singing along with lyrics from an iPod. "iPod" - it doesn't look correct to type that. I mean when I make a mistake it's not something I'm going to spend billions on to market and brand my product with. But there goes aPple screwing me up, screwing up my languange, and not only MY language, but YOURS too. Ok, I'm one to talk, I end my sentences with prepositional phrases. Obviously, I'm typing whatever pops into my head....... so how about a look inside Sir's mind?

mind. kind. behind. ha ha. behind. like butt. butt. SLUT. reminds me of myself in the past.
I shouldn't write that. Oh yes I should, I'm exposing all my thoughts here. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hum. Bum. like a hobo? Bobo like that chripractor's assistant's last name from which I bought Carrie the Caravan. Damn, I wish that thing hadn't been stolen, wrecked, and impounded. $72 dollars out of MY pocket to the City for MY van being stolen. I should write a letter to the mayor about that. Yeah right. I don't ever do things like that. I'm not sure why. People do things like that all the time. *sniff* my cologne smells good on me. I wonder what other people think of it. My head itches. *scratch* Think! What to write? Bite. Bite me. See. Pee. Whoopty-dee. Free. Hmmm, I wonder what Happy Hour has free food today? Double-Damn, I'm not drinking today. I really don't feel like it. I had a weird dream that this guy I know that works at Delta was in the Crew Room and I was wondering why he was in there because I don't work directly for Delta. I was afraid he was going to bust me for a non-reg tie. Was that when the phone rang and woke me up? Ok this is all shitty. Time to hit publish and go.

Sorry for the ramblings of thought (or thoughtlessness).

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nurse Booby

....well THAT'S not Tears For Fears!

These are the kinds of jokes my truck drivin' uncles tell, which I saw at Tickling the Bone:

If it makes you smile in the least. (hee hee).....:)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Coffee Jug: Half Empty or Completely Full?

....well THAT'S not Tears For Fears!

*there may be spelling and grammatical errors and for that I apologize*

It's time to divulge a few stories of my job as a flight attendant. Today, Crew Scheduling called me to inform me I have a scheduled trip tomorrow at 6:30 AM. I already knew about it, so that's fine. 2 minutes later the same guy called me back, when I saw the number I thought 'Oh, no, they want me to go out right now and I really want to sleep some more'. As it turns out he wanted to inform me me I have a scheduled trip tomorrow at 6:30 AM. I said, "uh, didn't you just call me and tell me that 2 minutes ago?" I had to ask him because I have a major problem with deja vous and I didn't want to be the idiot. He apologized and said he was sleep deprived. I felt like saying "Hey that's no excuse! When I'm sleep deprived you don't see me handing out peanuts instead of pretzels DO YOU?" I know, isn't that hilarious how easy life is now? My big worry is not having enough pretzels to go around.

Yesterday I was going from LaGuardia to Greensboro and some lady had a bag in her lap, this after the CD listing "federal regulations require all carry on luggage be stowed completely underneath the seat in front of you or in an over head bin." I kindly reminded her that her bag needed to be stowed and I'd be glad to assist her on my way back down the aisle. She said no problem, she'd do it, and put it under the seat. YAY! Well, a few minutes later as we're taxiing, her giant bag falls into the aisle and she leaves it there. My first thought was "dumb bitch". My second thought was "dumb bitch with a giant bag that fell in the aisle!" I had to hide myself because I burst out laughing. Don't ask why. I may be going crazy. But I'd personally like to thank that lady on my blog for making me laugh. Thank you Dumb Bitch with a giant bag that fell in the aisle! Naturally I smiled and helped her put it away saying the old standby "Oh no problem, you're welcome!"

A few weeks ago some catering lady came to the galley service door and said "Hand me your coffee jug, it's empty". Our flight was already on a tight schedule because of delays so, upon blind faith, I trusted her. She, with her coal black pouty bloodshot eyes, faint black mustache, and halitosis. Who wouldn't trust her? So I yank on the jug to pull it out of its recepticle and a tidal wave of burning hot coffee cascades upon my WHITE shirt, and skin. This happens, right as passengers are boarding. A clorox pen isn't going to clean up this mess! In a deadpan voice she says,"I guess it's not empty". Oh really? Cuz I normally get scalded by an EMPTY coffee jug! I ran and put my blazer on to cover the coffee stains, resisting the feeling that I should tell the catering lady my roommate has some bikini wax she can borrow for her upper lip, and started smiling. Obviously I can't let a passenger see my frustration! "Hello, Welcome aboard!" The moral of this story is, though you may think your a pessimist and the coffee jug is empty, you are in fact, and optimist and the coffee pot is COMPLETELY full! I have the not-so-white shirt to prove it!

On an overnight in Houston.....Thanksgiving night. I was hungry. I was sad that I wasn't eating turkey and my grandma's house, but I'd talked on the phone with them for quite a while, so now all I needed was a full belly to feel "right" about the day. The only thing open was a Jack In the Box next door to the hotel. Except. Only the drive thru was open. The captain and first officer had already gone to bed, so I knew they weren't going wake up, go to the airport, and drive the airplane through the drive I walked through. They informed me that they can't serve a walk up in the drive thru, that I must be in a vehicle. WHAT? It's Thanksgiving! You should be thankful that I'm even coming to this trash hole on a holiday. So back to the hotel I go. The lady at the front desk said she could have the hotel shuttle drive me through. I said OK. But really I didn't want him to drive me because I was paying with dimes and quarters. You see it was right before payday and I was really broke. How embarrassing is it to not ONLY pay for your food with dimes and quarters, but to have to HAND them to a van driver that you DIDN'T tip earlier for picking you up at the airport? The animalistic drive of hunger won against my pride's wittle bitty ego. Damn skippy I'm gonna pay for food with dimes and quarters! I's a ho-ngry. Ironically, the grease from those tacos dripped all over the pants I'm currently wearing and I can still see the stains. Ah, sweet delicious memories.....

And how's everyone?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!