Thursday, June 30, 2005

Chronicles of Bodily Functions - Chapter 1 - "Give me a 'P'"

Weeeeeee!'s mom's pee story and e$'s Chinatown express has inspired me to write my very own Chronicles of Bodily Functions. As you guessed the first Chapter will be about PEE!

One time in the very Yankee oriented society of New York (Mets? huh). My friend's D and M obtained tickets to a Yankee's game. We decided to meet after work on the uptown platform at West 4th on the B/D line. Well, in August, that platform becomes a triple layered oven on broil, and we were garlic bread being baked to a crisp. Anyhow, M's sister J was meeting us to, and she was late. We were all pissed. But J arrived and we were all unpissed and excited to be going to the Yankee's game. We got there, got our seats, got two beers each and guzzled them. The game? I don't recall who the opposing team was, because by the time they started I was buzzin'. So after the 4th beer, we're all hungry and D and M were all into the game but me and J aren't so much because it wasn't that great of a game, so they volunteer us to go get hot dogs. D orders mustard and ketchup on his, and M orders mustard and relish on hers. So those two are idots thinking me and J can remember that after starting on our 5th beer. J goes to get the dogs while I get us more beer. While my back's turned J squirts tons of ketchup and mustard on all of the weiners screaming "more's ALWAYS better!" I turn around and I'm like "uh, I'm pretty sure M wanted relish and not ketchup" and J's like "oh shit!" so she proceeds to get a bunch of napkins and wipe the over abundance of condiments off the buns. She lays a couple of the hot dogs on another napkin and pours relish on them. I'm laughing so hard I can't see, when I realize she's putting relish on all of the freaking hot dogs! "NO!" Well we manage to finally get the orders right and take them to D and M. But neither of us could keep a straight face so we got busted. Not long after that someone threw a match or something because it landed in J's bag, which started smoking like it's on fire, so J starts screaming and jumping up and down on her purse busting everything inside. That must have been viewed by God as a rain dance, because then it started raining. Well, the game is called off, and we board the express back to Brooklyn where J lives. The beers are totally stretching out my bladder and I KNOW I won't make it from The Bronx to Bay Ridge Brooklyn (literally the other side of town). We get to Atlantic Avenue and I can't hold it anymore. I say, "Oooo, I can't hold it, I'm gonna go out there. I'll meet you back at the house", and jump off the train. They're screaming at me to come back and not to get arrested, as the doors close. I run to the other side of the somewhat crowded platform and just pee off the side onto the tracks with New York City Transit passengers going about their business like it didn't happen. Ah, now THAT's how you spell relief.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

NEW! City Slogans

The following is a list of cities I've visited and the first thing that popped in my head for each. Feel free to add your own in comments, it's fun!

Atlanta - Peaches'n'Humidity, well isn't that nice.
Baltimore - More than just DC's ghetto, we're our OWN ghetto!
Birmingham - For a good time, please follow signs to Atlanta.
Boston - Home of America's oldest subway system (which smells like the Boston Pee Party)
Charlotte - Our downtown is called Uptown. What? You don't think that's really neat-o?
Chicago - OMG! I can't feel my nose and my nipples are hard, SWEET.
Cincinnati - Sin! SIN? Nasty! We're too conservative for that.
Cleveland - LAKE? I thought that was the sewage treatment plant.
Columbus - Yep, we're in the middle of Ohio. MoooOOOOO!-ve some place cooler!
Indianapolis - Closed on Sunday.
Jacksonville - See St. Petersburg/Tampa.
Minneapolis - We all wear Docker's and Our pleats are poppin'!
New Orleans - Hurricane's DO NOT cause Cirrhosis (unless you drink 'em!) *sniff, sniff* is that puke?
New York - Smile? Fu*k you.
Philadelphia - You can ring my Be-e-e-ell My Bell.
Pittsburgh - We're very inclined (ba-dum-dum, cymbal crash)
San Francisco - So many homeless, so little deodorant.
Seattle - You've gotta see the Umbrella Museum!
St. Petersburg/Tampa - We're bored too.
Washington, DC - Yes, that dinky thing IS The White House. It looks so much bigger on TV.

Friday, June 24, 2005

I like

I like this song....whatcha think?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

No Hash do the Barney Shuffle

Per Boozie's request, here's an update. Though it shan't be the expected Hash Update, as I'd wished it to be. No, SirTalksALot was quite the no show, due in part to a faulty muffler, that Friday night after spending time celebrating his nephew's 7th birthday, dislocated itself from the car in a manner that causes the car to go 30 MPH up hills, backfire, and sputter while taking off from red lights. Yes, I was packed and ready to go to the Hash, but my car wasn't. My dad was going to loan me his Jeep, but he was called in to work, so that was a no-go. To all Hashers, I would enjoy to join the ranks soon, and soon as this happens, I'll definitely update the blogosphere. Though I don't know what it means yet On-On! (I hope I don't get killed for saying that without actually going to a Hash).

Thus starts my post and reveals my hatred of cars. Ever since I discovered cities with good public transit (NYC, Chicago, Boston, DC) I can't see sinking income into a vehicle. It's not that I'm such an environmentalist, or care much about the Ozone, though I'd hate for my favorite coastal cities to experience a tidal flood that never ceases once the polar ice caps melt. But I just keep expecting myself to get the balls to move to one of these locations (again) and don't want the bogged down feeling of debt looming over my head when I do it. When I moved to NYC on Halloween 1999, I'd signed papers on a 6 year $15,000 car loan 4 months prior. The car was a wonderful way to move because I only took clothes, books, and pictures with me. However, parking in the Big Apple turned out to be hell on earth. Every other day the street sweeper just HAS to clean up the trash that 2 million people living on a 28 square mile island produce when they fail to toss their refuse in an approved container. So if you get drunk the night before you're supposed to move the damned car, then you might not FEEL like getting up to do the block dance. The block dance, for those of you who don't have to do it, is when everyone gets up and tries to move their car to another spot. It's kind of like musical chairs but with cars and parking spots.......and I was always the odd man out, driving around for hours. So after a month of tickets, getting my brand new car scratched, and waking up 2 hours before work to ensure I wasn't late to work due to no parking, I decided having a car in NY was el-suck-o. Yeah, I could have purchased a parking space for upwards of $300 per month, but hello, I'm too cheap for that. So back to Ohio that car went to be a family sublease. God Bless my family for being sweet enough to lease my car. Anyway.....I don't want to have that situation again, so when that loan was paid off and the said car died, I just bought a used car from a friend for $300 dollars. The current car, a Barney purple, 1994 Saturn SL2, 4 door sedan, w/ sunroof (that doesn't open) was fine when I bought it, all it needed was new brakes and new tires, and a muffler. Done. I figured that work was cheaper than getting a new car with a montly payment.

Well....Now my Barney Mobile has close to 200k on it, one of the back triangle windows was crushed in with a rock to steal my CD player, so that's covered with black duct tape, my radio is now a gaping hole with wires sticking out, the muffler is falling off due to that cob job shop I went to, and the AC broke. AND...I still can't give in and get another vehicle. I guess I'm a sucker for lost causes, because, who wants to be like everyone else and get a new car. I already did that 3 times at the ages of 18, 19, and 20. I was never satisfied with the car, and I always wanted a newer model the next year.

Having a clunker is a blessing in disguise. Since my car's been backfiring, I actually end up laughing the whole way home....people look at me like I'm nuts (which isn't a new thing). Yes, I'm the jerk in front of you that smokes you to death on the freeway, and when going up a hill the traffic backs up for miles. Seeing people stick their middle finger up as they pass doesn't make me upset, it makes me snicker that everyone gets so upset by going slow. It's even funnier when people are in the car with me and we're all like bouncing around while the car sputters. Yes, a ride in the Barney Mobile is an adventure, but I'm sad at the prospect of my car dying....then it will be back to the ho-hum-drum of regular driving. (Sigh).

Monday, June 13, 2005

Mista Grant watcha doin' on da floor?

How was my weekend you ask? Oh I know you didn't REALLY ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway!

Friday evening - for the first time in a very long time I stayed home and read. I'm reading the last book in Stephen King's The Dark Tower series (finally), but I'm going slow because I hate having to find a new vein of books that I like.

Saturday evening - Took my sister and nephew out to eat and spent $50, then I found $50 bucks on the floor at the movie theater and no claim had been made for it at the counter, so I lickety-split and called me friends to meet me at the bar where I proceeded to share the wealth and get us all buzzed!

Sunday - mom called at 7:30 to lecture me about my muffler breaking. I went to a cob-job-chop-shop where the guy cut this, put this in, took this out, etc. so that I only paid $90 instead of $200. Well, it recently jiggled loose, so now my car sounds ghetto. Anyway, mom's concerned that I'm going to get carbon monoxide poisoning, so while she was talking to me I fell asleep and must have snorted/snored because then she's asking me "ARE YOU SLEEPING WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU?" and I'm like "huh, no, I'm silently mulling this enlightening information?" She hated it, but come on, it was 7:30 on a Sunday morning! Went to church for the first time in about 4 months, then came home and napped before getting ready for my weekend job. After work some of us took HotChic out because she's moving to Florida tomorrow. 3 shots, 4 drinks later are my eyes deceiving me? The girl with breast implants and HotChic are feeling each other's boobs! Good Times!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Gwen Stefani, ENUNCIATE!

Who loves when you think you know the words to a song and have been singing the wrong ones all along? EMBARRASSING! For about 3 weeks after Gwen Stefani's new release came out I was trying to figure out the name of it. A bunch of us were having drinks and the song came on at the bar. I'd had 4 double's so I was getting to "THAT point". I blurt out, "oh yeah, does anyone like this song "Harlem Bat Girl?" Of course they lost it, and were pointing and laughing at me like I'm B-A-N-A-N-A-S, at which point someone fills me in the real title "Holla Back Girl". Stupid HOT Gwen, enunciate better. (Or maybe I should just listen better. Always shift the blame to someone else, though.)

The sad thing is, the images I'd associated with Gwen Stefani in a leathery Bat Girl suit, traipsing around Harlem with her bad-self attitude, were no longer valid. Good-bye to ANOTHER fantasy.

Song number 2, whose lyrics were also confused in my head, was recorded by the same lady. No Doubt's "Sunday Morning." The part where Gwen sings, "You came in with the breeze...On Sunday Morning....sure have changed since yesterday..."

I thought she said:

"You came in with the breeze...on Sunday morning....showered'n'changed since yesterday"

Do you see how altering just a couple words can change the world? (My world). In this instance, I was thinking 'man, doesn't everyone shower 'n' change since yesterday?' Especially on Sunday morning, and in sunny California, where I assume they wrote this song.

So if anyone would like to contribute your own mishearings/misunderstandings of lyrics please comment! (so I can point and laugh at someone too!)

Friday, June 03, 2005

Dental Anatomy

Thursday marked my 5th visit to a dentist in my life. The only reason I went is because my wisdom teeth started bothering me. I'm not very good at that maintaining proper health with "regular dental visits" thing. But this dentist said the same thing the others have said "great teeth, be glad you don't have the body chemistry that produces plaque". Well, I wish I had the body chemistry that didn't produce wisdom teeth either! Anyhow, now it's some big production because I have see an oral surgeon to get the smart teeth yanked.

As I was leaned back at her mercy, while she stuck big metal hooks and things in my mouth, I realized I have a thing for my dentist. She's this hot blonde with clear blue eyes, and her assistant is exactly the same only younger. They were on either side of me and the dentist's boob was smashing against my forehead as she cleaned my teeth. After I rinsed and spit, she said, "I want to introduce you to floss" and turned around to reveal a thong. I'm kidding!

Finally, a dentist that's changed my mind about oral hygene visits. Hmmm, I guess I'm gonna have great teeth!