Thursday, December 16, 2004

Blossom's Nose

A while ago a friend and I sat down for dinner at TGIFriday's in the "Food Court" on 42nd Street - Manhattan. Prior to receiving our food, we downed at least 4 cocktails. As anyone knows, this makes for great conversation topics. We found ourselves discussing Blossom, that show from the 90's starring a Big Nose Girl and contemplating what happened to Mayim Bialik. Out of that came the following scenarios, but since we were slightly tipsy, we intertwined Mayim and her character Blossom so use your imaginations:

SCENARIO 1: Perhaps she was at one of those glamorous Hollywood parties and someone says 'look at the size of nostrils on that chic!' This attracts the attention of Hugh Hefner who approaches her about a new fetish magazine called NOSE and asks her to be the premier cover model. They exchange information and the next day Blossom goes to do her rhinolayout. NOSE becomes a huge success (in Italy) and Blossom is whisked away to an estate with a view of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Which her nose ironically starts to resemble after being broken by a haughty cab driver. She's reduced to playing bit parts in Italian soap operas as an angst ridden teenage daughter.

SCENARIO 2: "In this episode of Blossom".....Her hippy musical dad inspires Blossom to become a musician. She strikes it rich by recording a rap song called Blossom Knows Nose, which starts like this:

My name is Blossom,
My nostrils are big, so I floss 'em.
Blo'S'm knows noses
cuz they help ya sniff da roses.
I like roses, cuz they blossom.
and...MY name is Blossom.

With the success comes a break-neck pace of promotional appearances and concert tours that Blossom can't keep up with. Her brother Joey, who's become a pimp drug dealer, tells her about a Columbian white powdery substance you snort up your nose which provides temporary energy. Six, who has since become Blossom's manager, warns Blossom against trying the coke. "That stuff is bad news chicky." As Six herself is currently a coke whore and wears tight mini-skirts and halter tops trying to attract Pimp Joey's free bumps (and grinds). You hear some "contemplation music" as Blossom makes 'perplexed' faces trying to decide between sleeping and missing her next appearance, or taking the coke and making it through. The little devil Blossom on her shoulder wins, so she pours the white powder on her mirrored coffee table in her sweet penthouse pad. She tries a regular straw, but realizes it's not big enough for her oversized nostrils. She rips her pad apart trying to find something suitable to accomodate her gigantisized nose holes, finally settling upon an uncooked manicotti as her tool. She closes her eyes, places the manicotti in front of the pile of powder with the other end up her nose (there's room to spare, mind you) and breathes in deeply. The powder is sucked up in nanoseconds, but she continues to breathe in. The pictures fly off the wall and go up the manicotti, the TV flies across the room and is sucked in, the curtains, bed covers, pillows - all fly up her nose. She opens her eyes to find an empty room, dismissing it with, "hmm, the movers must have come early." She is running late for her appearance on Saturday Night Live, and must dash out the door without checking herself in the mirror. Blossom appears on LIVE television with a curtain tassel hanging out her nose. One of her costars sees it and points and laughs. Suddenly another cast member points and laughs. The whole world starts laughing at Blossom! She's so embarrassed she starts crying and runs out of the set. Thus ends her career. The ending scene is the Russo family and Six sitting around on the couch. The super wigged-out dad asks,"Did you learn anything from this Blossom?" Blossom retorts,"Yeah, never buy curtains with tassel! It's a decorating and career disaster!" They all laugh and live happily ever after.

SCENARIO 3: Mayim Bialik goes to some university and gets a degree in rocket science. Oh wait, this one is way too close to the truth......


Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Amputated Arms

QUESTION: How does a person with amputated arms wipe? I'm not trying to be funny or mean. I've been wondering for days, and nobody seems to know.