Thursday, March 31, 2005

Feeding Tube Frenzy....
Good Things About Feeding Tubes:

-Fear Factor would be a lot easier with a feeding tube. They should start a new series "Feeding Tube Fear Factor." The contestants would have a blind-fold on and they would stick various unknown liquids down the feeding tube.

-A keg party. It'd be like pulling a car in for gas. Kegs should have an adapter just for this purpose. "Fill me up!"

-Similarly, you could buy a bottle of vodka and a bottle of orange juice, get one of those baseball caps with two pop can holders, add a second feeding tube, and PRESTO! Screwdrivers all night!

-Stealing drinks at the bar would be a cinch!

-You could defend yourself against mugging by yakking and squirting them with stomach acid instead of mace.

-When you belch you could make cool noises like when you let air out of a baloon and squeeze the top.

-If you ever eat too much, you could just hook the end up to the garbage disposal and suck the food out.

Bad Things About Feeding Tubes:

-When I stuck it in a Rax chocolate chip milkshake it would probably get clogged.

-What if I'm in a hurry and the end flopped into the toilet!

-When you pass out (at the keg party) people would probably stick worms in the end.

-I don't think they're dishwasher safe.
The Walls Are Covered With...
...Dirt Cake. We're having a potluck today at work, so last night I went to the store to buy the ingredients. Being that I do not own a mixer, I used the blender to make the pudding. Creaming, the butter and cream cheese together with powdered sugar became tedious so I figured tossing it in the blender with the pudding to be a good idea. The darn thing didn't mix at all. Worried that I broke it I dumped the mixture into a huge bowl and finised making my desert. Back to the blender, I thought I better clean this sucker out....I filled the blender with water and soap, placed the lid on, and hit blend just to see if the piece of junk still worked. SPLASH, the lid popped off and watery chocolate pudding went everywhere - on the walls, on the floor, on ME. I ran and got a towel and wiped everything clean. Luckily the walls didn't get stained. I hope everyone likes this Damned Dirt Cake. It was more trouble than it was worth. (Due to my own stupidity of course).
The recipe for anyone that may want it...

Dirt Cake

1 Large package of Oreo cookies
1/2 c butter, softened
8oz cream cheese, softened
1 c confectioner's sugar
1 ts vanilla
2 pk instant chocolate pudding
3 c milk
12 oz whipped topping,
1 tub

crush cookies... set aside.cream the butter, cream cheese, sugar and vanilla until smooth and fluffy..... set aside.combine pudding mix and milk until well blended. then fold in whipped topping.gently fold the cream cheese and pudding mixtures together.then layer crumbs and mixture.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Special Treatment

A few years ago I saw Nicolas Cage in a sunglasses store on Madison Avenue in New York. I went up to the door and found it to be locked. Evidently it was a private sunglasses fitting. I find special treatment for people (other than me) horrid. It was only 3:00 in the afternoon and this store was locking ME out for Nicolas Cage. I hate Nicolas Cage! He's a big dopey-doofus, and there's only room enough in the world for me to act that way. Just then a tour bus full of old lady pulled up to let them off for their afternoon shopping spree. I screamed "Nicolas Cage is in that store!" pointing to the establishment. The old ladies were all excited and ran over to the window and actually waved at him and pulled out their little notebooks and pens. I hope Nicolas had fun getting out of that store...... I kept walking with a satisfied smile on my face. How's that for special treatment Nicolas?

Thursday, March 10, 2005


...where no fabric has gone before. Is that the goal of underwear when they become wedged in your posterior region? Well, I'm putting this out there for all fabrics - I'VE HAD A WEDGIE BEFORE - so you can stop the butt space exploration. That's right Cotton! I'm talking to you. Yeah, your friend Poly Ester violated me just a couple days ago when I was reaching and bending for a pan in the dishwasher. I know Cotton, that you'd prefer to come between me and Poly Ester. I agree, that with your touch, your feel, you ARE the fabric of my life (other than DNA). If I'd only been faithful to you, Poly never would have explored my grand canyon with the naughty fingers of her synthetic microfibers. But she was a fiber on the move baby, she bent me - shaped me, any way she wanted me, but the feeling of her in my personal space just wasn't the same, Cotton. You are the one I want touching me in my special places. When I'm hot you breathe, thus letting me breathe, when I'm cold, you hold in my heat, but when I you have to, do you have to let it linger? Oh, I'm such a fool for you. I've got you wrapped around my dinger and body. Even when I kick you to the floor (so that I can go potty), you're always so natural, so real with me. It's ok that you're not the same as you were when I bought you. You've stretched out to accommodate the, uh...CRACK, in our relationship as it grows ever wider from too many Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. What's that? What about Wool? Cotton, honey, baby. I'll never see Wool again. Remember when I had that rash that I said was from changing soaps, well, she's the one that gave it to me. Synthetic whore! Plus, she's into scratching, and I'd prefer to keep things less abrai-u-sive. Oh yeah? What about the time I got you wet and you shrunk? What about that? You big fabric ball buster! I was singing soprano for a week! Ok I forgive you, and I'm glad you've done the same for me. OH GOOD scared me. Quit "creeping" up on me like that!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005



Eat your wheaties,
Eat your fill,
I'll be back
To dish and spill
I'll miss you much, I will indeed
don't forget me, I beg and plead.


I'll miss y'all, but will be back.