A Pauper Peeking

In keeping with the Renaissance theme....a poem. (Really I'm too hyped on Starbuck's to put a whole post together.

A Pauper Peeking...(by me last year)

My place in society, of which I bide,
Is not enough, so, I sneak and hide.
Behind the flowers, behind the lattice
To attain a position nearer the palace.
Yet in my heart, I know it is not earned,
But for this close hiding spot, I've greedily yearned.
I spy the queen, in her frills contained,
She glides along, her haughtiness ingrained.
I utter a peep that she may know I am there,
She moves not her head, she does not dare.
For ahead awaits her duty, her love, her dear.
While her apparition, in my dreams, I must revere.
And so it is, I'm resigned to this one and only gander,
Of the lady I love, of her life, and her grandeur.

Once upon a time......

On a rainy Saturday morning I woke myself at 8:00 AM. There is something absolutely horribly wrong with me. Who does that on Saturday, no alarm, not having to pee, no tornado or end of the world. So I tried going to back to sleep. Just as it seemed I could hear myself snore, the phone rang. "Good morning! Do you want to go to the Renaissance Festival with me and B?" Weighing between sleeping in or making fun of people dressed in costumes in August, the choice is obvious, so I said "sure". G told me to be at their place by 10:30. And, duh, I was. So we left Westerville in the year 2005 for the Renaissance, year 1300-ish, but not before stopping at Kroger's for $3 off coupons. Hey we were time traveling on a budget, what can I say? And....who doesn't need snack food on a road trip? Really road trips are my favorite thing in the world and I do them right. Lots of junk food and sodie-pop. Kroger was selling travel size chocolate Teddy Grahams, Cheese Nips, and Oreo Cookies 3 for $1 with the Kroger Plus Card. BULLETIN, BULLETIN, Sir was on that junk like flies on roadkill. To compliment my swell deal, Burger King was only a stone's throw away, and yes I did partake in such delicacies. I mean, what better place to eat than a restaurant with the word "King" in it when you're off to the Renaissance, right?

Wilmington, the nearest town to Ren Fest is about an hour's drive Southwest from Columbus on I-71. The entire way the sky poured like so many Damsel's tears, yes. Her clouds of gray did not dismay the journey, though, No! Because I found G's car window sun shade! Weeee, what fun. It made the perfect jester's cap, hmm, actually it looked more like a bike helmet, but in any case, entertainment more than the passing corn fields could provide. 10 miles before our exit, the sky stopped falling and the sun came out! YAY!

This was my virgin excursion to the famous festival, so I didn't know what to expect. Surprisingly it was bigger than anticipated. The pictures we took aren't available yet, so I found this site that's pretty good at capturing the essence of the experience. Basically, a bunch of actors talking olde English, being rude, and trying to get you to buy their creations. There were sword shops, fragrant oil shops, candle shops. The best shop was the glass shop, not because of the creations, but because of the process of creation. The artist would super heat a glass stick carefully crafting breakable objects only a grandmother could love. The process was awesome, the product, eh, call Hallmark or my grandma if you want a buyer for that crap.

Next door to GL Asses sat a copper rose and dragon maker. The pharmaceutically laid back artist of this hut bid me to "stop and smell the roses." Which I did. They smelled like rose bathroom deodorizer! She really got a kick out of her copper flowers being scented. I did exercise restraint from telling her I'd done the same thing with rose oil in our bathroom when I was twelve, making each and every rose on the wallpaper smell like a real rose. "Mom next time you're in the downstairs bathroom, sniff the roses!" Mom was none too thrilled by that childhood experiment I'll tell ya. Due to possible affixation from rose oil scent, the bathroom was closed for a week. Back to the Ren Fest, I'm glad the lady didn't ask me to smell the dragon's mouth. Speculating what scent was used for that has me queasy. Besides I already had dragon breath, no need to smell the fake thing.

We watched a parrot show, put on by a real live fake pirate in front of his ship. We watched a different pirate and his crew kidnap one of the village girls and swing around on ropes on the same ship. We watched a joust, prior to which one of the knights chopped an apple off a surf's head. Most skilled was he wielding his sword, indeed! And the ultimate entertainment.....A MUD SHOW! It was a comedy in which people throw mud at each other and tell jokes. I'd say that was my favorite part of the trip. That and the fact that I had baggy pants on and when I bent down to strategically crack my back the entire thing ripped from my mid thigh upwards towards my hiney. Each and every bend caused an increase in rippage. Quit laughing! Do you know how long it will take to sew that hole? Neither do cuz I'm NOT gonna do it!

Hmmm, what else was there. Oh I drank mead which is some very sweet wine stuff that did nothing towards providing a buzz. Lastly was the old winch selling TROLL House chocolate chip cookies. Me pass on a cookie? You're outta your mind. That cookie made my day, and that was the end of the trip. Well almost........

On our way back to Westerville, G's car pitched a fit and we had to pull into a KFC in Grove City, aka Grovetucky, so named by the migration of Kentuckians to the area to find employment. Oh and don't let that link fool you, I think that picture was the band in London. Picture a cow field with a house, and a traffic signal, and you have Grove City! The transmission was squirting fluid everywhere! I nearly shouted WE STRUCK OIL, but realized my folly before opening this cursed mouth of mine. Anyway, I'm not sure what happened, but it was a mess. It sucks big time for them because the car just got back from the shop after a deer popped in front of it smooshing the front end. Just a thought, the repair shop forgot to tighten somethin', I dunno. B's parents came and picked us all up and let him borrow their car so we all made it home. Yay! Man I was sleepy though.

...........And so tis the end of my tale o'er fields o' corn to the Ohio Renaissance Village and back again.

Breathe & Lick 'N' Stutter, Breathe & Lick 'N' Stutter, REPEAT!

INQUISITION
You know that song by Faith Hill "I Can Feel You Breathe" I never got that. Like does that mean someone is sitting there breathing so hard on her that her hair's blowing back in the breath-breeze? Or does it mean she's laying her head on someone's stomach? It would occur to me that if this is "the morning after" and she's lounging there and someone's breathing on her, the song should really be "I can feel you breathe......and it stinks." But, if she's resting her head on a stomach area and her head is rising and falling with the breathing, the song title should be "I can feel you breathe.....and I think I just heard your stomach gurgle." Y'all know what I mean! You've heard your honey's tummy rumble before. Can I get a witness? I laid my head on my ex-girlfriend's stomach exactly once and heard in a deep demonic voice "THERE IS NO DANA ONLY ZUEL". So I said "Babes, did you eat the Ghostbusters video again?" I'm not EVEN going to tell you what happens when I'd hit her eject button. Anyway, Faith Hill didn't release part two of her song, the title was "I CAN'T feel you breathe and there's no fog on the mirror I just stuck under your nose? CALL 911!"

PET PEEVE
I hate when people lick their fingers while sorting my papers at work. How many of you remember your teacher passing out papers and at the front of each row they'd lick their finger to start counting off the tests or what have you. I swear I hate it worse than a wet willy. Leave your skank spittle in ya mouth and off my papers, ESPECIALLY if you had chili dogs with tons of onions. Really now, my papers shouldn't be smelling like your lunch!

DISABILITY
I stutter when I type. Especially passwords. I'll start really fast..then right before I finish the last letter I think to myself...did I type that right? So then I backspace and start again. But by then I've lost my typing rhythm and I mess up again. It takes about 3 type-throughs before I actually feel comfortable hitting the ENTER key. Cuz we all know how annoying it is to be locked out of a system for entering the wrong password. Then you have to call the "HELP"(less) desk. I'm surprised companies haven't started charging those password mistakes back to the user. I'd be working for free if that were to be implemented. Oh wait, I practically work for free ANYWAY. Maybe I should be making more password mistakes then.....(evil laughter).

Puss In Boots

"Life's a bitch, now so am I." That was the funniest line in Batman Returns. You know - the movie in which Michelle Pfieffer wears a cat suit? The more I write about it, the more I'm apt to believe I may go to a dominatrix based on my obsession with hot women in tight leather. Ok, now that's killing me thinking about it. Here's how it would probably play out....

Me: Hi, wow, you look like you work out.
Catwoman: (as she handcuffs my hands) I do the Power of 10 workout.
Catwoman: Lick my boot you weasel.
ME: Ok, but before I do that, did you sanitize these boots after the last person licked them? Cuz I don't want my herpes getting syphilis.
ME (again): Oh you polished them before our meeting?
Catwoman: Now lick my boot you weasel!
Me: What flavor shoe polish did you use, because you can't expect me to actually lick old fashioned shoe polish. That isn't made for human consumption. You want me to die from shoe poisoning or something?
Catwoman: It's flavored!
ME: So what flavor....hmmm, these are black boots, I bet you used licorice. I hate licorice, bitch! You'd know that if you read my blog!
Catwoman: I SAID lick my boot you weasel!
ME: Don't you have any other lines? Cuz you're boring me with that "weasel" crap?
ME: Actually, I don't think weasels are such bad creatures. I mean God did make them, which means, there is a purpose for them and all. I wonder who gave them such a bad rap. Sure they're known to steal food and they look snake-like, with legs and hair. But I think we just need to see them from a new perspective. Back in West Virginia we used to......"
Catwoman: HUH? I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this shit.You bitch! (starts to leave).
ME: Hey aren't you going to uncuff my hands?
Catwoman: Nope, see ya!
ME: I'll show YOU the power of 10!.....
Catwoman: Wha-?! [thud] (I kick her in the butt with one foot, and trip her with the other, obtaining the cuff keys)
ME: ....the power of 10 toes and 2 feet. Now who's the bitch? Ya Puss in Boots?

Really now, that would never happen. Number one, I would much rather make out with a Ho-Ho rather than a real ho and most likely the women I date wouldn't be all domi and shit. Number two, I would probably miss the dominatrix and kick the wall breaking my foot. I'm good and clumsy like that. Number three, though this is my second post about foot related fetish type things, I obviously wouldn't be NEAR a foot regardless of who the owner might be. I'm just slightly neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, and have way too much free time on my hands. Hobby, what should my hobby be. Oh gosh, there I go on a stream of consciousness rambling.

Uh, how about I leave you with this ponderance:

Are members of PETA against eating animal crackers? Things that make ya go Hmmm.

Weekend O' Fun.

A nutshell weekend of fun recap. Mmm hmm Yes.

Friday night was my sister and nephew's last night at my parents. So I stayed the night. Obviously, that meant playing video games for hours with my nephew. He's 7. He's not as bratty as he used to be, but still, quite a booger. He had some boxy cube game thing, which I know nothing about, so instead we played Nintendo - The Original cool game system. The weird thing was none of the games worked right, we kept taking them out and blowing on them. Isn't it hilarious how each little sect of society has their own "good luck" wishes for their activities? For instance, before putting the game in, we'd blow on it three times. Three is the magic number to make the game work properly. You see we tried twice, and once, and four times, none worked as well as three. For dinner we ate Minute Man Pizza, it's the only pizza in the world that tastes remotely as good as Original Pizza in Brooklyn. I'm telling you, so don't even question it! A'ight?
Well that was it for me I went to bed at like 11.

The next day I hear the garage door open at 9:00 AM. What the f*ck? Why is anyone even up at that hour on a Saturday morning? I know it wasn't my mom, she sleeps until 11. My nephew sleeps until 11. And I WOULD HAVE slept until 11, but my sister was getting some of her boxes out of the garage and loading them into mom's van. I'm not certain what the importance of holiday decorations in the summer time is, but she REALLY wanted those boxes to take home with her.

By noon the whole house was up, showered'n'ready, and in the van going to Parkersburg, WV. Dad hadn't made it in yet from LA or Chicago or where ever he went, so we left without him. It was 95 degrees with high humidity, all the hills and rolling fields of green along the way were cloaked in a soft-focus haze. Admittedly, very nice, yes indeed....until you stepped out of the AC. Then it was immediate drippings o'sweat. Can you tell I'm into my "O"'s today? O'yes.

Visiting the family in WV was great. Surprisingly, my 14 year old "little" cousin that I used to baby sit is now 6'2'' and drawfs the rest of us. How strange are growth spurts? Weird, I say. It's a given that every trip involves a quick jaunt to the local doughnut store. YUM. I mean, folks these things are the best doughnuts in the world. With a name like McHappy's, what do you expect? The sugary treats have made me McHappy since I was born. Ma used to crush up the delectible morsels when out of formula and put them in my bottle. I'M KIDDING! Geez. Oh and how could I forgot? My brother-in-law picked up a bucket of pork BBQ from Charlotte. PIG OUT! That's the theme of this weekend. When you talk for 3 hours about food and new restaurants food quality, etc, with your aunt, you know there's something we're good at, and that's EATING!

Anywho, we left before the Parkersburg Homecoming fireworks display, mainly because they would probably suck in a thunderstorm and other than that, they would just suck because it's Parkersburg. They really can't do anything right. I mean I could devote a whole post to the mishaps of my hometown. After filling the van with $42.00 (GASP) worth of precious petrol we zoomed home, and back to society. Pops was asleep when we got to their house, and so I stayed so I could visit him since I never know when he'll be home.

Sunday dad and I tinkered in the garage on cars for a little bit, ate dinner, then I went home. Ah, home sweet home. Nice quiet reading time. zzzzzzzz

Word up to Allison - tis my 11th day walking to work. Art thou set forth upon thine own diurnal stroll?

Chow-Chow Dog Tongue Disease

Did anyone know that when you take certain antacids your tongue can turn black? It's happened to me a few times, but I thought it was changing color for other reasons. For instance it happened to my grandpa when he was switching from Tylox to Morphine (or something). So the first time it happened to me was the morning after I ended up at the Hare Krishna Temple. I figured it was a combo of red wine, ciggs, and Tylenol, because I hadn't had Tylox or Morphine (yet, or something). And even when I had them, my tongue didn't go bonkers. NOW I know it was the freaky Mylanta. Evidently my aunt called Mylanta's hotline after she woke up with a black tongue and they told her it was a normal reaction in some people. Do you realize how disconcerting it is to wake to a black tongue? Good thing I went home alone that night (as if going home alone was a choice). Standing in the bathroom mirror groggily brushing the skank out of my mouth I stuck out my tongue to brush the motha out of it, and slam-bam-thank-ya-ma'am I had a Chow Chow Tongue. It made me wonder if I'd lost my mind and did the worst thing in the world - NO not murder - eating black licorice! SICK! Who made that stuff? Good'N'Plenty candy is nearly the worst thing on the planet. I disected one, and it looked like the inside of sack worms that used to invade our bushes out front. Grody. It should be renamed Gross'N'Nasty Anyhow, I brushed that shit off quicker than rabbit pops out babies and went on with life. I had a black tongue 2 other times, all of which involved red wine, Tylenol, and antacid. Well, what are you waiting for? Inform all your friends of this travisty! Or better yet, mix them a coctail that contains red wine, Tylenol and Mylanta and call it the Chow-Chow, watch as their tongue turns black, then point and laugh!!

While the Mother Sleeps

a mother wakes and views
On the hill,behind the house
The empty swing hung from the Scotch pine
Swaying in the wind,waiting to be used again.
the red clay mud grown over with weeds
children's feet no longer stunt the seeds
a mother cries, tries denying they are gone.

The children went away long ago
The toys still in their chest
they remain unused,
but their memory is all that's left

A lone man stands by the river
As the Ohio flows itself away
the years flood back in muddy waters
things once mysterious become known
fishing out his father's mistakes
fishing out his own.
a message in a bottle floats
on years to his son

the hallow.
foggy, covered with leaves
once harboured here a child
hiding in the autumn morn
and from his parents scorn
his soul drank from these streams
knowing life can fall apart at the seams.

a child goes to the door alone
while the mother sleeps
things learned at a tender age
are things learned for keeps
and so the child looks out on an empty lonely world
while the mother sleeps

A Quickie

Well, Saturday night's complete debauchery left me brain dead. Luckily, I had deflibulators at the house and stuck them on each temple shocking the brain waves back into existence. Yes, they're back to their abnormal self, but very weak, so I'm giving them a lighter workload today. Here are some random thoughts or comments:

-One of my fantasies is to "spend an evening" with a 20/30-something Swiss Miss, foreplay would be her bringing me a nice cup of hot cocoa....I'd look sexily into her eyes as I take the first sip. Then I'd GRAB her by one of her blonde braids and say, "Where are my marshmallows bitch?"

-For men, does thinking outside "the box" mean: Stop thinking about sex?

-The company I work for provides tuition reimbursment for school.......I wonder if that includes The School of Hard Knocks. Cuz the tuition for that school is killing me!

-Rudeness comes in many forms and I'm the amoeba of inconsideration today. Watch out world!

Da-ba-da-ba-da-That's all folks! Happy Monday!

No Minor Feet....

Last night I drunk blogged. To those of you I visited, my apologies. Is there no limit to my insanity? Well, yes. Yes there is. I, do solemnly swear, that I will not hit your sites drunk and crazy. Only drunk.The booze flowing freely allows my fingers to type smoothly and DUMBLY! After the blogging incidents, I was trying to watch TV and spilled red wine on my love handle which dribbled onto the hip area of my shorts rendering them ruined. Speaking of love handles, mine are shrinking. Less than a full week of walking to work finds me shouting praises to the glory of exercise. I mean it really does work. (How's your walking Allison? ;) ) However, exercise does something that anorexia, bulimia, drugs and alcohol NEVER did....make me hate my feet! Yes, it's true. The blisters brought attention to those plunders down under us. Thus reminding me, that I hate my feet. In addition to my own feet, I hate everyone else's too. Feet in general are sick-o, stink-o and yuck-o, so don't feel bad if you hate your feet too. Another thing, the word itself "FEET" sounds too much like "EAT". What's the big association with all things feet sounding like or rhyming with food items? It ALMOST ruins one's appetite. The following is a list of things that we feet.....oops I mean EAT (that sounds like an Alice original from the Brady Bunch) and was made possible by bloggers like you. Here's the list, Yo!

Boil - Olive Oil
Bunions - Onions
Corns - this one is self evident folks
Toes - HoHo's
Nails - Lobster Tails
Toe Jam - duh

Gosh it's enough to cause a foot fetish for food! Next pedicure all you ladies will be thinking of food and you know it! (evil laughter).

No really, a foot fetish, won't be happening here, though they do run in my family (Oh God here we go) ...."this was this one time".....when my aunt showed up to Gma's house in sandals, with a pedicure, and a new toe ring. It's a well known fact in the family that my uncle has a foot fetish, because as teenagers, my mom's best friend made out with my uncle and the best friend passed the tidbit'o'gossip along to the Information Super Highway (aka my mom's mouth), and now I can share with the rest of the world. Anyway, YUCK. I really was grossed out by the initial "enlightenment", but worse was seeing the idolized peds at a family gathering. It's hard to keep a straight face when people ask "do ya like my new toe ring, my beloved bought it for me for our anniversary?" Then you of course have to say "how nice, it looks great on you" but inside you're really thinking "OOOOOOOOO I HATE FEET, MAKE THEM GO AWAY MOMMY THEY'RE SCARING ME, PLEEEASSSEE!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT THEM AWAY"

*LIGHT BULB* Now I know why my uncle was always lingering in the grocery store by the pickled pigs feet! That sly perv! Oh well, I guess it's a cheap thrill for him. HA!

***I love my aunt and uncle, and I hope they don't see this, but I just hate feet. No offense to them.

You Wanna Piece of Me....HOLE?

Yesterday, 10 plus miles, 2 honks, 3 hoots/hollers, 5 CD dropping incidents, 4 blisters, a rubbed raw IUTA (i-oo-t-uh) [Inner Upper Thigh Area}, and soaking wet clothes ended my evening walk. After walking the 2.29 miles to and fro work (total 4.58 miles), I decided I hadn't exercised enough so off I go again. Of course, I over do EVERYTHING I take a hankering to. One of my friends started a new retail job down the road, so I thought I'd go visit her and benefit from the 90 degree sunny weather in terms of UV rays adding to my ever darkening skin and multiplying moles, which most likely will be skin cancer in a couple years. Anyhow, Columbus has a lack of sidewalks, so for a few legs of the journey(s) I'm forced to share the under-construction 2-lane roadway with motor vehicles, RUDE and obnoxious motor vehicles mind you.

I'm not sure if the honks were people being friendly to pedestrians, or if they were just trying to make me feel dumb for walking, but I know the hoots/hollers were for the shirt I was wearing. Sauza Tequila. On the back is a stop sign that reads "If it feels good, don't stop, Sauza Tequila". My deductions lead me to believe those hooters and hollerers were drunk drivers. Thanks for NOT running me over in a drink induced coma, Your Unlawfulness!

I walk the 3 miles to this place my friend works, and she's not even there. Which is fine, because the walk was for health. But it was slightly disappointing not to be able to say "hi". Oh well. The phone works. 3 miles back to my house. I pass a total of 6 people walking. 6. That's it. No wonder Columbus ranks amongst the fattest cities in America. It's pretty discouraging to discover the car oriented mentality of this region. It bodes badly for EVER getting a convenient public transit system in place.

Ok that was a lot of complaining. The many good things I've found other than the physical benefits:

1) Walking lets you take in the scenery and it actually puts things on a comprehensive human level. When you see the trees, flowers, landmarks, etc. for more than just a blur, as they are in a car. It gives a grounded belonging feeling. I think the isolation of always being in a car "bubble" is bad for my psyche. I like to feel a part of things, I love being in the now, not worrying about getting someplace. Walking removes the stress of always being in control of the 20k piece of machinery that a false move, or someone else's mistake can cost you tons of money. Just in the past couple of days my shoulders and neck are noticeable looser.

2) I find myself remembering and thinking about things I probably would never recall due to visual memory queues. For instance. It rained on Monday morning, causing tiny toadstools to grow. Naturally, my first thought was to pick them, eat them, and hope they were shrooms - what a fun day of work that would be - but I didn't. Instead, it reminded me of these enormous toadstools that used to grow in a pine grove behind my grandparent's house and how the neighbor kid and I would use them as GI Joe shelters/battlements. What a joy it was to smash that fungus when my army anhilated his, or vice-versa. Yup, there was a fungus amoung us.

3) It gives me wind down time from work (again, de-stressing).

4) There are a couple of sporty ladies that run past me every morning! I've smiled at them and said 'hi', but they're so focused they keep going. Actually, I think that's the impression they want to give me. But what they're really thinking is "oooo he's the hottest thing since sliced bread became toast and I want him, but he wouldn't go for a jogging girl. No, not with those love handles and man boobs. I guess I better eat some more to be in his league so he'll notice me".

Uh, perhaps too much oxygen is causing delusions .........or was it that toadstool that practically tore itself from the ground and jumped in my mouth when that hole in the ground grabbed my foot and threw me down. You wanna piece of me, ....Hole! Don't make me get some top soil and FYI (fill you in)!

Song of the day: "When My Ship Comes In" Clint Black (though instead of the Rockies and Colorado, insert Appalachians and Ohio).

Famous Quotes (in my world)

Last night I went walking and timed how long it takes to get to work from my house. Only 40 minutes! So I decided that today, I would walk to work. Which means I woke up at 5:45 AM to ensure I made it by 7 AM. It's part of my "get healthier", "take charge of my life" kick. I feel so energized and 100% better than when I wake up 20 minutes prior to 7 and rush to get here. There's something theraputic about walking. In fact, it didn't even bother me that a lawn sprinkler system popped on as I walked by and that I got rained on for the last 5 minutes of the walk. (Thank you Les Wexner for the sprinkler, Thank you Mother Nature for the rain). This morning's theme song is:

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh noI got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running in a one touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving

Since you all read my week long epic of vacation, I'll keep today short. Just some quotes that stick out in my memory from moi, family, and friends:

"Can you believe the doctor dropped and spilled my urine sample? It took me 2 hours to make another!" Mom after a visit to the hospital.

"I love beachy barnicle barf birthdays!" Me, after having too many on my birthday and saying I was going to jump in the water a chew barnicles off ships for money.

"I hate when my fallopian tubes get infected!" My cousin, pointing to her eustationary tubes and ears.

"I used to think there was so much water in American toilets so you could wash your ass after you flush" My best bud from Italy. My mouth dropped open in disbelief and disgust after he said that....

TRIP: FriSatSun - July 29-31 - Drinks, Rain, and Drive

Friday was a day to explore the islands of the Outer Banks. CH, AM, KC, RB, and I went on an excursion that started with us sitting in a traffic jam. We went about 20 miles in 1 hour. Evidently Friday is checkout time for a ton of rentals. By that time it was around noon and our stomach's were screaming for food. A local North Carolina BBQ restaurant called to us from its shanty like existence and we answered. I'm not quite a BBQ expert, but I'd have to say I'm close, and this place served up excellent pulled pork BBQ sandwiches! Though I don't recall the name, I'll always remember the location for furture vacation hunger stops.

More driving South led us to this lighthouse, I was impressed. Those photos aren't available yet. Back in the car, we try to find the Lost Colony of Roanoke, end up on a 3 mile long bridge, and get lost our selves, so that site remains true to its name. Time to head back to the house for a nap! I must give props here, KC cracked me up the entire time, and I don't think I've laughed that much in about 10 years.

After the nap the whole house goes up the road for a seafood dinner. At least 1/2 hour passes before our orders are taken. Most people are grumbling abou the service. Oh well, the beer is GOOD! I decided to delight my taste buds with crabcakes, my favorite seafood dish. Most other people are breaking shells on crab legs and peeling shrimp. Personally I think all that looks nasty. Shell fish needs to be battered and deep fried before I eat it.

With our stomach's applause it's time for the bar. Nobody can agree on a place and only 6 of us wanted to listen to the jazz band playing at Pub (I'll just call it that, because again, I don't know the name of the place). So PUB has many hot ladies walking around, most of them with boys already leading them or following them. However, I was able to talk to a couple of recent college graduates that had moved to OBX 2 weeks prior. Nice. Other than that, the guys tried to rescue CH from a Toyota salesman that just wouldn't stop talking to her. A couple hours later KC came to gather our drunk asses up and go to the house.

At the homestead I changed into swim trunks, jumped in the pool, then the hot tub, then went to the beach.....and I think it was 5 AM before I got to sleep. (Groan for the next day).
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Saturday was cloudy and gross and I was sad to have to leave. I went to the beach for like 20 minutes, went to the pool for an hour, then changed. A few of us still needed to buy souvenirs and went to Wings to satisfy that need. Some people went golfing in the rain, I rented Napoleon Dynamite, and others walked on the beach. After packing and cleaning......I was ready to go home by 10 PM. I went to bed for a few hours of tossing and turning, waiting departure at 7 AM.
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Sunday, 6 AM wake up call. Shower, pack the vehicle for depature, and off we go. I'm sitting back in Columbus around 6:30 PM trying to stretch the kinks out of my neck and back from the many head nods in the car. Home sweet home. My roommate didn't make it home until 11 PM. Evidently one of the people traveling in their car got sick and had to stop at Urgent Care. What a long day for them.
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And so it is the end of my vacation recollection. I want to thank everyone that stopped by my blog this week and now I can get back to my normal comments on all of YOUR sites hee haa ahaahaa haahee (evil laughter).

TRIP: Thurs, July 28 - Clouds, Concerts, Crazies

Thursday was my absolute favorite day of the trip. We woke up earlier than we wanted because there were some people that woke up really early for some reason. I TRIED to stay in bed until 11 but that was difficult with all the stomping feet above me. When I ate a little breakfast of oatmeal with half a stick of butter (YUM) it was off to the beach. The clouds had rolled in, but this some sun was still poking through. This picture definitely shows the clouds:

We swam at the ocean, and then the pool, hit the hot tub - the regular routine. Around 5 PM, we ate an early dinner. Grilled chicken fajitas (refried beans included, UH OH!) and then it was off to an out door concert by one of the lighthouses:

When they said outdoor concert, I was expecting a bunch of bands with people our age rockin' out to some jams. It turned out to be a saxaphone quartet playing classical type music. While I can appreciate that sort of thing, none of us were wanting a "relaxing" time. So we got really bored (as you can see in the photo) CH in the pinkish shirt, stepped in dog poop on the way to this spot and wiped it on MY blanket! I'm the blue, baby blue, and white horizontal stripe/khaki shorts guy. No, I didn't flip my collar up like a preppy! I just woke up from a nap...zzzzzzz. 8 of us tell the 4 in the upper left that we're going to go do something else.

One of the guys brought a 4x4 SUV and it just so happened to seat 8. About 2 miles from this lighthouse the road stops, and becomes a beach you're allowed to drive on. Off we go for some off-roading adventure!

Along the way we stopped for beer, frisbee, and crazy foolishness. Here from left to right is me, RB, KC, and CH doing the "Sand Dance" naturally made up on the fly:

Then I lose my balance and need to be held up:

And a group photo of course, a driver stopped to take one with all of us. They were some Kool Kats, yo! And.... that's sea water on my pants, not pee. (From left to right: Jm, DB, AM, DD, RB, CH, and me).

After this we hopped back in the vehicle to go to the house. On the way, we laughed and laughed and laughed. KC (girl in front middle, black shirt, khaki skirt) was doing her Pee-Wee Herman impersonation. Classic memories! At the house, we took a clean blanket - one which CH hadn't smeared poopie shoes on, and went to the beach. The stars were out in full glory to lay there and admire. A cloud would straggle in every few minutes and each and every one looked like something. One was an alien head, another, a baby in a car seat, another was a skull. Some people went for pizza, DeGiorno not delivery, and the rest of us continued to lay on the beach laughing, and discussing conspiracy theories regarding governments and economies of the world (surprisingly the laughs didn't cease throughout that conversation). All the joviality gave my abs a nice workout and around 2 AM sleep was all I could think of....zzzzzzzzzzz

PS: Please forgive any grammer on this series....I haven't had a chance to proofread (I know that sucks).

TRIP: Tues - Wed., July 26-27 - Lasagna, Crabcake, and Norfolk

Considering my memory was/is cloudy from this point on, I can't give an hour by hour run down so here goes:

Tuesday morning I woke up at 10, but didn't get out of bed, I had a killer headache from those damn Nor'Easter drinks. So I managed to fall back to sleep after dreaming that I took a Lortab. Luckily some dreams are SO real they may have been true, but one can never be sure. Anyway, I woke up AGAIN at noon, slathered on sun block, and hopped in the pool. After many attempts at getting comfortable on a floating taco, I just laid back on my noodle instead. Oh, before you think I'm a big perv. The floating taco is what we call those mess rafts with a tube/wire around the outside. When you lay in them they kinda wrap around you like a taco. The one I was using was being difficult and just didn't want to work with me.

Around 6:30 PM, after a nap, swimming, a nap, and reading in between the lasagna was ready. YUM! It was delicious. Post dinner activities included a big blue birthday cake shaped like a crab. Being that we weren't home the night before the cake portion of my birthday was held on Tuesday evening. The blue cake made all of our mouths look like Gargamel at a Smurf buffet. More swimming, walking on the beach, and relaxing.
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Wednesday was 100 degrees the water was 67 the only thing to do was sit at the beach, go swimming, and drink lots of water from 10 AM - 6 PM, with some napping in between. C.H. and I gobbled down some steaks from the grill and hit the road to pick up our other friend R.B. He was flying into Norfolk. On the way, other than both of us getting a bad case of the shits, we ran into one of the worst storms I've experienced in a while. Lightening was striking all around and the torrential rainfall slowed travel to about 20 MPH. R.B. called when we were about 40 minutes from Norfolk informing us his flight had been delayed due to the weather. We went ahead and went to the airport to confirm how long the delay would be. It was going to be 12:15 before his plane came in. It was only 9:45, so C.H. and I figured we'd kill the time at the airport lounge. NOT happening. As we walked in, a not-so-friendly worker said "Closed!".

Did I mention that Norfolk airport looks like an 80's shopping mall? Anyhow, we went to a nut hut and the guy there told us about a few bars down the road. Off we went! The bar was beside an egg shop and we nearly drove past it because it was such a hole in the wall. I wish I remembered the name of the place, but I don't. I failed to find out if the bartender was pregnant and glowing, or just fat and oily, either way she was nice. We ordered our drinks and looked around at the place. The walls were covered in the fake wood paneling (again, from the 80's - it's like this section of Norfolk was stuck in a time warp). It reeked of old fryer grease and the lights had plastic orange lantern panels over them. 2 drinks later the bartender informed us that they were closing early to have the exterminator come in. Nice bug infested bar! Just a bit of advice Bar, you'll continue to have a bug problem until they get rid of the fake wood paneling. Bye!

A 24 Hour Super K-mart was near and the house was running low on booze, so we stopped to kill some more time. Asking a worker to point the way to the alcohol resulted in our standing in the health care aisle. Evidently she thought I meant rubbing alcohol! Geez! Finally we find the drinks!

At the airport after C.H. and I ride the people mover back and forth 3 times, I was getting sleepy, so I popped a diet pill, 20 minutes later I can't shut up! Every body coming down the escalator is my new friend and I'm the welcoming committe for Norfolk. "Hi welcome to Norfolk, America's shipyard" "How was the flight?" "Did you happen to be on the flight from Baltimore?" I ended up talking to a limo driver about being a nightowl until R.B. got off the plane.

In the car ride back to Corolla, we coin the phrase: "I eat my dinner with a spork!" and decide it would look great on a T-shirt. (inside joke). Warning, every single gas station with a bathroom from Norfolk to Corolla is closed after midnight! Another exercise in bladder stretching!

TRIP - Monday, July 25 - SirTalksALot's 26th B-day

10:00 AM, I wake up. I eat breakfast. I get lathered in sun block and go to the beach. We all sit there in the sun, jump in the ocean, sit in the sun, lay in the sun, jump in the ocean. I'm of course, scoping out babes for miles with my eagle vision. "Hello Ladies.." I look down to reveal that I'm no longer just a white boy.....I've gone pink! BURN baby BURN! Yeah, dumb ass that I am, I forgot to reapply the 3rd coat of sunblock, and totally missed an entire side of my leg. Oh well, what fun is a beach trip if I can't get burnt?

Noon - I make the observation out loud that every year at the beach I realize why I told myself to work out, and every year I forget about it, and come back the next year fatter than before. I also realize why when you turn 50 your swim trunks are pulled up to your arm pits. It's because each year that you show up to the beach fatter, you pull the waist band up just a tiny bit to cover the extra bit of tire....so by 50 it's all they way up to your man boobs. Anyhow, my trunks aren't above my belly button yet....so I'm still halfway decent.

1:00 PM - We all go back to the pool, I apply 2 layers of sunblock and just lounge while drinking Corona's. Though I normally don't drink before I eat lunch, it's my birthday! C.H. decides to cut limes, though, I'd already cut some. Her's are so large they don't fit into the bottle without using a battering ram.

6:00 - 9:00PM - We go to dinner at some pier restaurant on the water. It's ok, not great, but D.D and D.B. say they're getting my tab for my birthday. Good guys, they are! Who am I to object? The menu consists of fishy things. I get a blackened tuna Caesar Salad. Yum. But prior to that, the drink menu touts the Nor'easter as a drink that will help you forget about an impending storm. Hmm, well, it's not going to rain anytime soon, but it was windy. I partake in the drinks. Me likes it! Me has 4 more, 2 blue long islands.

9ish-10ishPM - Stand around the bar drinking waiting for karaoke to start.

10:00 PM - A lady resembling a young Sharon Stone comes in with her younger twin sisters. D.D. talks to Sharon Stone.....I talk to the twins. After I sing my song "Pure Country" and say "OOOOPS" and slur the words, the twins don't talk to me anymore. I have a drunken way with women, I'll tell ya! I must have sucked! ha ha ha. By midnight I was wasted and everyone else was pooped too. We head back to the house to pass out (at least that's what I did).

TRIP - Sunday, July 24 - Departure and arrival

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I appreciate it very much.

Here's some of what happened, work's going to be killer for the next few days, though, so I'm not sure how much detail I can pull out of my brain.

7/24/05.......
3:45 AM - Oh the pain of waking up before the sun. Oh the joy of pushing the snooze button. I really get out of bed at 4 AM, showered, and put on the clothes I laid out from the night before. Yes, it's true, I actually did lay the clothes out for the first time in my life!

4:45 AM - 2 friends arrive. my roommate and I pile our stuff in and go to meet the others further along the route.

5:15 - 7:00 AM - arrive at C.H.'s house. Everyone else is ready, except K.C., she's fallen asleep on the chair (again). After some rearranging we hop in the cars. C.H. drives her Sante Fe, V.S. is the co-pilot, me and D.D. fill up the back. After running a red light that WON'T change after 3 cycles, we run the mo'fo! No cops, no worries! C.H. and V.S. talk non-stop. Observation, C.H. talks, and drives, and the more she talks, the faster she drives. At one point we're going 85mph past a cop. Good Times! (but not condusive for sleep).

7:00 AM - stop in Wheeling, WV for a healthy McDonald's breakfast. Mmm Go cinnamon rolls and coffee. K.C. thinks her yogurt is really butter. I don't taste despite the whole "you gotta try this, it's so gross" temptation.

7:30 AM - back on the road again. We've switched up cars, and I'm in the Allerro w/ M.I., the most gracious and beautiful trip planner. A.M., whom I'd just met at church the Sunday before. We all have a good mix of conversation, music, book reading, and silence to pass the time.

NOON - we're getting hungry, have to pee, and we're on I-270 in Maryland heading towards DC. Uhm, traffic galore. No major food stops, and wow, what fun going 85 mph with the flow of traffic. I gotta take a weekend trip just to drive in DC to work on my race car skills. After merging on to I-495, and then hitting a traffic jam at the exit ramp to I-95, we see an exit ahead worth taking, only because our collective bladders are going to burst! Gas station in sight!!!! We park and run in only to find 30 other people have the same idea as us.....oh well. My bladder is REALLY strong now from that test of endurance.

3:30 - We switch cars again. I'm in the Pilot as the co-pilot. D.D. is driving. M.I. and Cg are playing the "Road Sign Game" in the back. A quick cell phone call to C.H. reveals them 40 minutes ahead of us! "Ok, keep talking and you'll be there in 1/2 an hour, motor mouth!"

The coolest part about this leg of the trip was passing under the ocean in a tunnel! Weeee!

6:30 - Traffic to Corolla wasn't too thick, just slow. It's a two lane road the whole 25 miles, but well worth it. The Outer Banks rock!

6:45 - sleep. Some people go to the store and get tons of food to stock up the house. Speaking of house.... It's a 3 story on a corner lot with ocean views. 1st Floor: 2 bedrooms 7 beds, 1 bath, patio to a pool, and outdoor shower and bathroom (guy's floor) 2nd Floor 3 beds, 2 baths (the girl's floor) the hot tub is on the balcony. 3rd floor: giant living room surrounded by windows, kitchen, dinning room, a few steps up to a reading nook/outlook. More deck/balcony all the way around with a huge gas grille. When the food arrives, we make burgers and everyone goes to the beach defying the "wait 1 hour after eating before swimming rule". We take a volley ball and football and walk a little. Brrr the water is chilly, but refreshing! The sky is about the most awesome thing I've seen, wispy white, pink, and orange clouds lit up against a nearly aqua blue sky, sunset arrived in style to welcome us! The stars pop out, we all jump in the pool, then the hot tub in shifts, and then back to the pool. I gotta crash, YO! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.