Thursday, April 28, 2005

An Uncooked Brownie.. what I just ate. The old lady from the next row made two big pans of brownies for her team. It struck me as odd that there should be any left, but I just figured 'more for me'. They looked delicious with tons of fluffy chocolate icing. I cut myself a huge piece after running over like a child to be the first in line for an after lunch treat. I bit into the MOST moist chocolaty piece of....uncooked, undone glob of goo I've ever eaten. Perhaps I should carry some toothpicks with me next time and "insert in center" to ensure doneness.

I'm not sure if it was a brownie batter brownie, as in, it was supposed to be that way, or if maybe she forgot to turn the oven setting to BAKE, when she put them in, but whatever the case moist deluxe doesn't apply to that Betty Crocker Flopper.

She's now going around the office saying, "wow, you ate that fast! come and get another piece!" I'm thinking maybe she went home, took her prescription of who knows what, forgot what an oven looked like, and placed the brownies in a broken dishwasher to bake....

My co-worker said "psst, come here" pulling out a trash can and moving some papers out of the way to reveal a plop of brownie at the bottom. I saw several people walk over and walk away empty handed muttering things like "wow those look really good, but I'm just trying to stay away from sweets." What they're really trying to say is "I'm trying to stay away from sweets containing uncooked batter including eggs, to avoid a bad case of salmonella poisoning", which I think I have, because my stomach is starting to ache.

Oh well, no more belly aching. It's not like I don't mix up raw cake batter and eat it when nobody's around to make a cake for me. However, I at least leave out the eggs (GROAN).

Friday, April 22, 2005

Grandpa - TV Remote Hijacker

Yesterday my parents called me to meet them down at Grandpa and Grandma's house. When I arrived a quarter til 7, mom was picking at the fattiest looking Shake'N'Bake pork chop I've ever seen. She was obviously disgusted by it because she was making the get-that-mayo-away-from-me face, but of course, she said, "whew I'm so full I can't eat another bite". This after cutting the chop into tiny bits so that it appeared she'd had eaten some.

Grandma scurried to get the dishes done and ran into the living room cuz "Jeopardy's a comin' on and if I don't hurry, Charlie changes the station!" Just as she settled down in her recliner, Grandpa switched to Lifetime Television for Women. The best movie ever made was on. Get ready here's the description...

Director: Paul Schneider
Stars: Maria Conchita Alonso and Marcy Walker
Based on a real-life incident in Miami, a quick-thinking bus driver helps to steer a group of children to safety after their bus is hijacked.

If you go to the link you'll see a still frame of Marcy Walker in her SWAT team outfit, which in and of itself is very sexy stretched over her slightly misshapen hulk. For some reason the director allowed her to have a overly processed nappy pony tail sticking out the back of the hat which took me ten minutes to figure out it wasn't one of those mullet caps you get a Spencer's Gifts. I'm not sure if her character is supposed to be albino or if Marcy was really into the role acting frightened for the retarded kids on the hijacked bus, but during the entire film her skin is the color of pale boiled chicken flesh. I dunno, maybe she could have stopped by the spray tanning booth before accepting this role. I mean come on! It's Miami, not Alaska. She would have been suffering from a 3rd degree sunburn if she REALLY lived in Miami with her curdled milky complexion.

Because we didn't catch the beginning, I wasn't sure why a Chinese-Mexican waiter would want to kidnap a bunch of kids because he's been audited by the IRS. I can only assume he was going to take them on a field trip to Washington, D.C. to see the head of the IRS about his tax issues.

The bus driver, played by Maria Conchita Alonso (it's fun saying that name 10 times really fast) is touted in the description as "quick-thinking" because she helps to steer a group of children to safety. Where I'm from a bus driver doesn't HELP to steer a bus, they DO steer the bus, and when they don't the bus steers itself into a tree. It's doesn't take quick thinking to steer a bus people! No disrespect here to the professionals that allowed many people to get pummeled by spit wads while other passengers were getting high, but I think even the cool stop sign and blinking lights are automatic.

So the wheels on the bus are going round and round on the freeway and the SWAT Team pulls up in this super cool boxy 4-door family car from the 80's (the movie is from 1996). The bus driver opens the door, while STILL in motion, (she really should have been fired at this point) and the SWAT Team throws a cell phone into the bus. I'm not sure if the stop sign is extended during this scene, but I really need to watch my new favorite movie again to pick up that detail. Anyway, the phone starts ringing and the hijacker appears to be contemplating whether he should answer it. Everyone gets really annoyed, including the kids, and they start yelling at him to answer the phone! I'm not kidding. The kids are telling the hijacker what to do, and, get this, HE DOES IT! So if these brats are SO bossy and in control WHY the heck didn't they just tell the guy to jump out?

When the SWAT Team (including Marcy) zoom in front of the bus in the really trashy ugly car, in an attempt to slow the bus down, the hijacker tells the bus driver to ram them. This is almost the best part of the movie because when the SWAT Team is rammed, everyone in the car lurches forward grabbing their necks saying they're going to sue the bus driver. No not really, but I would have.

I forget the rest because I drifted off, but when I woke up, the hijacker is dead on the bus. One kid got hit in the eye by flying glass as the bullet came through the window, and the little girl in a pretty white dress now has blood on it. I'm not sure if the girl is mentally challenged or just a really bad actress because she starts spazzing out. Maybe her mother threatened her not to get the dress dirty with bus hijacker blood. I dunno.

Ok kids it's time to exit the back of the bus. In my version of this film I would have inserted OutKast's "Rosa Parks" on the soundtrack....'Aye-a wuz that fuss, everybody get to the back of the bus'........ This is the absolute funniest part of whole film because you don't really hear anyone yelling or crying but when each kid comes to the door of the bus they start their extremely bad fake crying. Wa-wa-wa blah blah blah, and then everyone jumps out the back of the bus and the bus driver breaks her ankle doing so. So all the little kids can jump from 3 feet, but the big bad bus driver breaks her ankle when she does it! HILARIOUS.

*Mom and me were cracking up and grandpa was frowning at us. I think he had developed a sort of crush on the bus driver and was genuinely concerned by her broken ankle.

All the parents of these bratty kids were waiting back at the school. A new bus arrives and now the bus driver has to convince the kids to get back on another bus. None of the kids want to. HELLO! If I was just hijacked on a SCHOOL BUS, a place of stinky rubber smelling misery, I certainly wouldn't get back on the bus. Why didn't the parents drive to where the traumatized kids were and pick them up? I would definitely have filed for divorce from those parents. Here's the kicker though, the SWAT Team goes on the new bus to assure the kids that there isn't a another hijacker. They're checking under the seats and stuff, and they say "all clear" and then THEY GET OFF THE BUS leaving the kids. What sort of assurance is that? If they really trust the bus isn't going to be hijacked again they should have rode with the kids. Talk about low life scum SWAT Team! Then again, maybe the kids and the bus driver had really bad B.O. from being in an non-air-conditioned bus driving around Miami for hours and the SWAT Team couldn't handle the smell.

Well, my stomach started hurting from all the laughter and grandpa was frowning so much his eyes had disappeared, so I went home.

There are too many morales to this story:
1. Don't ride the school bus in Miami, everyone probably has BO, because they were sweating like pigs going to slaughter.
2. If you're the bus driver and a new student older than you gets on, he's probably not in the Continuing Adult Education Program. HE's A FREAKIN' HIJACKER!
3. If you're a school bus hijacker, don't answer the cell phone the SWAT Team throws into the bus while you're flying down the highway, even if the kids tease you into it.
4. If you're an Albino like Marcy Walker, stick to movies set in more alpine regions so you don't blind people with your reflective skin.
5. If you're a bus driver and you have to jump out the back of the bus, have the kids call the fire department ahead of time to set up one of those air bag thingies that people jump into from 40 story burning buildings so you don't break your ankle. Stupid beeeoch.
6. If you have 10 dollars in your pocket, you have more budget than this film did!
7. If you're my grandma, skip doing the dinner dishes so you can snag the TV remote before grandpa hijacks the TV! It will spare bloggers from reading about the BEST movie on Lifetime.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Remember how I was disturbed about Peter Pan with a cameltoe? Well get a load of this snipet from a Zimbabwe article about a female athlete now found to be male.


"...According to the newspaper, Mr. Sithole told the court that he had been born with both male and female genitals, and that his parents consulted a traditional healer for help. The healer, he said, prescribed a mix of herbs that caused his male organs to disappear entirely.

Unfortunately, he said, his parents paid only half the healer's fee. And when the healer recently tired of waiting for the balance, Mr. Sithole said, he caused the male genitals to spontaneously grow back as punishment. Mr. Sithole said that he had made arrangements to pay the debt, and that he had been scheduled to turn over the money - and revert to exclusively female status - on the day he appeared in court. "

Ok, when I caught my breath and ceased gut wrenching laughter brought on by a name like "Sithole" (which ironically reminds me of my Shi*hole Sweater story), I had to wonder what mix of herbs would make a male organ disappear ENTIRELY?

I REALLY hope terrorists don't get a hold of that stuff, because worse than any A-bomb, worse than any chemical warefare, would be this herb sprinkled in the city water system. Imagine waking up without your Ya-who'sya-daddy and his beanbag . There would be mass suicide to contend with.

Another question raised (snicker - RAISED) by this article: How can a "healer" cause male genitals to spontaneously grow? Does the maker of Viagra know this? Because if I were that healer, I'd be making my way to America to market my abilities!

And what's up with these parents only paying half the fee for a sex change/shrinking operation, I bet Mr. Sithole was really pissed. I mean come on!
MOM & DAD: Honey, for Christmas this year, we bought you a gift certificate for penis shrinking by Charles Penzone's Day Spa.

.....after the first appointment and in a higher voice

IT:, dad, Uh...where's the second gift certificate. They said I need a few more treatments to make this permanent or my penis will SPONTANEOUSLY grow back.

MOM & DAD look at each: Did you buy another gift certificate? No, did you buy another gift certificate? NO. Hmm, well honey, I guess you'll have to wait till next year.
Poor Mr. Sithole, he was in the girls locker room at an athletic event when his SPONTENAITY decided to present itself.

The morale of the story....Even a shrunken penis has a mind of its own in a girls locker room!

Whoa. This is going to completely change Ripley's Believe it or Not display of shrunken heads.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

A Case of the TYD's

-Do you ever play TYD with your drunk friends at the bar? You know, you point at the ugliest person in the room and say TYD (That's your date.) It was fun in elementary school (TYD - not being drunk), junior high, and has resurfaced as a favorite amongst post college age people. TYD, play it today!

-Prozac is the emotional Triple "A" for those having a nervous breakdown on the highway of life.

Speaking of nervous breakdowns....
-Brittany Spears is having a baby and I'm the one getting morning sickness from it! What gives? Thinking about her as a mom kills me. Hit me baby one more time....was a definite invitation for an abusive relationship, so I'm sure the next headline will be Brittany divorces and of course they'll play out the "Oops I did it again" song title YET another time. And, am I the only one that thinks "Not a Girl, not Yet a Woman" sounds like the theme song for a transvestite festival?

-If Muhammad Ali was all like "fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee" around me, I'd be all like:
SPLAT like a butterfly,
SPLAT like a bee
If you punch me in the face,
I'm gonna break-a your knee!

You know he'd be scared of me!...hello? Ok, maybe not. But y'all got my back right??

Why do I hear crickets and no rallying to my aid? I say that like I'm actually going to fight Muhammad Ali. BAM take that....and that! PUNCH! CRUNCH....R-iiiiii-P..... Uh, I was just playin', I was fighting with his poster and ripped it. He still won! He paper cut me! Big Butterfly-Bee-BEEOOOCH!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

8 UnWise Why's Listed

1. Why does the love of my life, Jennifer Garner, love someone else? She grew up in West Virginia, so did I. She's hot, so am I (ha ha ha ha). She smiles and so do I, mainly because she's smiling at me. We have many things in common. Why is she dating someone from Boston? That's a whole world away from Charleston. Other ladies are jealous of her, because I pay them no mind (snicker), knowing that someday, this sweetest lady will realize, via our ESP connection, that I'm waiting patiently for her. Ok, the truth is, I just want her as my body guard so I can act like a big stupid jerk and have her kick-ass! Her new Alias could be "My Pet"....

2. Why did I just say "My Pet"? I sound like Doctor Evil or some 30's gangster with a bimbo blonde.

3. Why are all my favorite singers dead? Elvis, Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, Patsy Cline, the lead singer of Blind Melon. I know "why" they're dead, but I'm not sure why I think they're superior to everyone else. *Reminder to moi - try to figure out why (in whispery tone) "I hear dead people". Actually, I think Blind Melon is the band I'd have wanted to be in had I been a drugged-out rocker. In fact, I'm growing my hair out just so that I can start a band. I'm going to calling it Visionary Can't-Elope in honor of Blind Melon.

4. Speaking of which....Why do people elope? I mean I could see why a poor chic might push her man to drive through the chapel in Las Vegas - because she's embarrassed to admit her parents are so poor they're going to serve Spam-burgers at the reception with homemade rancid tasting wine that's really just balsamic vinegar mixed with grape juice. But as a man, I'm all for the wedding. Come on guys HER FAMILY PAYS! Now that's value! You get a free party for standing in front of a bunch of people reciting lines that in our culture mean nothing - "for better or for worse" when it gets worse, people get divorced - then you get all the lovin' your body can handle. Personally I think undressing her after that event will be the hottest thing ever.

5. Why not have the wedding at St. John the Divine Cathedral in New York? If my memory serves me correctly, it's the longest Cathedral in the world from front to back. I'll make that girl and her daddy work for snaggin' this man! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it (imaginary) people like me!

6. Why did I spend an hour scrubbing the copper bottom of pans I use maybe once a month? Ok, I really just wanted to see it shine. I love new copper. When I see a shiny penny, I keep it over the dark, grimy ones. When they were rehabbing the Statue of Liberty, I thought it would have been awesome to see it done with shiny copper, and let it slowly age back to green, but they didn't do it! Man, I feel like I'm retarded because I'm so easily amused by shiny objects.

7. Why did I use hydrogen peroxide to bleach my hair when I was 14? My hair freakin' looked like a candy corn! The hair on top was yellow and kinda white, and the sides were orange. Grandma actually cried when she saw it. "What did you do to your beautiful head of hair?" Mom couldn't stand the barrage of inquiries into my "rebellion" so she went out and bought a box of Clairol Nice'N'Easy "blonde". I don't remember what number is was, but afterwards, my hair was still orange. Mom called my fake blonde aunt for advice. The next night she bought a box of "winsome wheat". We followed the directions exactly as the box specified. I washed my hair, and suddenly I had old lady blue/gray hair! The picture showed a blonde on the cover, NOT the Shoebox Greeting Lady. There was nothing NICE nor EASY about having old lady blue/gray hair! Mom and I laughed for hours, until I threatened to shave my head. I'd done it 2 years prior, so it wasn't an empty threat. Mom cried "NOOOOOOOooooo!" "I'll run out right now and buy you a new baseball cap!" I was a 80 year old lady for 3 weeks when I was a 14 year old boy. Finally, after washing my hair A LOT, it faded to blonde. By that time my roots started showing! And...for 10 years afterwards when my hair grew out it was curly. Ain't nothing easy 'bout hair care. Nice'N'!

8. "Into each life a little rain must fall," but into mine it's a fu*kin' monsoon! And, I'm talking literal rain. Columbus weather sucks hairy toes on a woman. Why....does it rain so much here? I'm not really a weather man, but I would never name a storm in the tropics a "depression"! How cold you be depressed in the tropics? Try going 6 months with clouds EVERY DAY. Fu*k depression! This weather pattern should be called a NON-tropical Suicide!